from the hip

Likes and dislikes (hates) at this very moment in time.

2009-05-01T18:14:00.004-06:00

Dislikes (hates):

The word "mondo", as in "I have a mondo headache," "The Cheesecake Factory has a ridiculously mondo menu," and "I now have a mondo craving for waffles." (Just some completely random examples pulled out of thin air.)

Work. I don't want to be here right now, or ever if we get right down to it. I want my dad to pay for me for the rest of my life, and he would, too, if I wanted him to. That would make me feel like a crappy person, though, so I won't ask him that. I'll just continue to not be a fan of working. In this place. Where I am. Right this moment.

This chair. I hate this chair so much.

A guy near where I sit. He talks too much, and he loves himself A LOT (has a very self-important air). I find that unattractive (ugly). I want to kick him in the crotch.

Likes:

Video clips of "Arrested Development", especially this one that pieces together various incarnations of the chicken dance as performed by the Bluth family members.

Stride spearmint gum. If I were to chomp any harder on it right now, I'd break teeth. (My dislikes/hates enhance the awesomeness of the gum. Weird.)

The ice cream sandwich I just ate.

The idea of the self-pampering day I'm going to have tomorrow. It will start off with a long bath and a facial. Then, I will meet up with friends for pedis.

Twitter. My tweeps make me laugh.

I love that my facebook page is now in the pure language of our favorite, more revered pirates, i.e., not Somali. (Thanks for bringing this language option to my attention, RC.)

OMG!!!

2008-10-28T22:16:00.004-06:00

Hello? Is anyone there?

It's been nearly a year since I've posted, obviously. I just haven't felt like blogging for a while, but I'm going to try to post something at least once a week from now on.

This year, I've been working two jobs because I'm an expensive person. I need to go places, do stuff, and buy things. For example, I recently bought a gigantic plasma screen HDTV to enhance the playing of the XBox I also bought. I like to travel to see concerts. Recently, I traveled to see Justin Timberlake and Friends. (These Friends include The Jonas Brothers [keep that on the DL], Boyz II Men, Rihanna, Leona Lewis, 50 Cent, will.i.am, Adam Levine, and Lionel Ritchie.)

Having two jobs keeps me busier than I like to be, and it totally makes me not want to blog because there are so many other things I need/want to be doing instead when I'm not working. Being so busy also makes me more susceptible to colds. The last few days, I've felt like my head was going to explode, and last night while sitting at work suffering from horrible pain building behind my left eye and in my left temple, I wondered if shooting super hot water up my nose would make it feel better. I was being silly while thinking about it because the super hot water was actually boiling in my mind, and I may have also been imagining scooping my eyeball out because those things couldn't have hurt worse than it was already hurting.

I finally left work and hit a gas station on my way home to pick up a bottle of water. After arriving home, I heated the water, poured a bunch of salt in it, and this is the result. It's both funny and gross.

You're welcome.

The Domestic

2007-12-23T22:59:00.000-06:00

Today when I got home from work, I stayed very busy doing stuff that I hate to do: I cleaned my house, washed AND FOLDED my laundry, and those are the things I hate to do. I also made these:

Homemade peppermint oreos! I was at Triple's house a few nights ago, and she had me help her make some for her work Christmas party. They were so yummy that I mentioned them at work the following day, which got me roped into making some just for kicks. I am not going to lie; these are pure, delicious evil!

Most of you know what my job is, so I'm not going to say what it is on here. But I was talking to "a client" today. I may have fallen in love with him. We had a 20-minute conversation that had nothing to do with the business at hand. He's a physicist. I told him I was a physics T.A. at my last school. He talked about his fascination with physics. I told him about the day when I fell in love with physics. He told me that most people learn by repetition but that I was a thinker, which, he said, really impressed him. We also talked about my language and linguistics background, and he noted my excitement when I talked about what I loved about it. I've been thinking about going to work tomorrow, checking my logs, and retrieving his number...just in case. Also, I need to check and see how old he is.

SO! OVER! THE SNOW!

2007-12-20T22:57:00.001-06:00

I mean that I really hate driving in the snow. That roadtrip I took a few weeks ago was enough to freak me out for years. I would have cried like a baby if I didn't feel I had a rep to protect. And today, I drove to Logan to go to my Janalyn's wedding. She was my mission companion for about half of my mission. We're besties. On my way to Logan, I thought, "This is NOT the day for me to wear make-up!" Because I NEVER wear make-up, okay? I have a lot of love for Jan and I knew I would cry elephant tears of joy during her wedding. (I didn't, but they welled up. I sucked them back into my tear ducts. I'm magic.)

Anyway, so I went to Logan for her wedding, and the drive there was good. It took an hour. There was no weather to speak of. And I thought, "Maybe it won't snow." But at 4:00, a lot of snow started falling from the sky, so I headed back home because I didn't want to get caught in the canyon, and I didn't want to have to stay the night there. The canyon was awful. The entire drive was awful. I was white-knuckling it the whole way. I couldn't see anything on either side of me, which is a really weird feeling and starts to play tricks on the eyes. It took me 2-1/2 hours to get home. When I walked into my house, I was shaking uncontrollably. I wanted anyone to be in my house so I could curl up next to them and go to sleep. Instead, I filled my tub with hot water and lavender, grabbed a bowl of chips, a nearly-full bottle of apple cider, my ipod, and a bath pillow, lit a candle, and sat in the tub for over an hour. It was nice. I feel better. But I still hate driving in the snow right now.

I listened to Supreme Beings of Leisure while in the tub. I find them soothing to listen to sometimes. Keeping in mind that I'm a rock chick, tell me who else you like to listen to when you need to relax.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

2007-12-18T18:23:00.000-06:00

(Because it's ~j.'s one Christmas wish.)

Am I right, one person who still comes here hoping that I'll post something?! I have been in Utah for MONTHS now and not a word! I am so irresponsible! But I can't help it! I've been having way too much fun! For example, since I've been here, I have created a whole new "Top Ten Best Concerts I Have Ever Been To" list. I have seen, not in this order:

Muse
Rilo Kiley
Regina Spektor
Arcade Fire
Fall Out Boy
Gym Class Heroes
Hellogoodbye
Tori Amos
TORI AMOS!
That's right! I saw her TWICE!

I kind of like going to concerts in case you didn't know.

Okay, picture time.

Here is one reason why I moved here:

This is the view out of my living room window of the first real snow.

I officially became OVER snow a couple weeks ago when some friends and I went on a roadtrip to see Fall Out Boy and Gym Class Heroes in concert. It was the night we would have died if I had not gotten so freaked out that I said, "I will drive no further! I will rent us a hotel room!" We had been driving in white-out conditions at 5 mph in the middle of nowhere and the road was slick as ice because it was covered by ice. So, I love the snow because it's beautiful, but I hate driving in it right now.

A picture of some friends during that particular hotel stay during that particular roadtrip. From left to right: Zee, FFF (AKA Triple), Me. Yes, we have the same computer. Yes, we are precious!

So, as I said, I went to TWO Tori Amos concerts. As you, one person, should be aware, I might be in love with her or addicted to her or obsessed with her or almost stalking her or something. She came to Salt Lake City at the end of November, and it was one of the most amazing shows I've ever been to. She started every show of this tour as one of the characters from her latest album, American Doll Posse, because she likes concept albums or something.

In Salt Lake City, she started the show off as Pip, the doll on the far right side. Pip is very aggressive, and she has an affinity for rubber leggings.

She also enjoys rubbing weapons all over her body.

And she's quite amazing!

And then a costume change brings about Tori in an orange wig and a horrendous sequined jumpsuit. The only reason why I'm glad the tour is now over is so she can retire both of those items. I never want to see her in them again.

I loved her show here! My friends and I were dancing around, and screaming at each other when Tori started playing a favorite song of ours (every song). We were feet away from her. It was fantastic! I did feel a little rejected, however, because I wanted to meet her at the meet and greet, but her bodyguard came out to tell us that she didn't have time to do one that day. SADNESS! There were only 15 of us there, and I KNOW I would have had time to chat with her and feel all starstruck and nerdy fan junk like that. I even waited in the freezing cold with some hardcore people for a long time after the show to see if she'd come out. And she didn't. I'd missed my most awesome chance of meeting my favorite singer.

So, for weeks, I continued to read setlists from other shows, and I continued to be jealous of the people who got to see those shows because the setlists were always "My Dream Setlist". (Unlike most people, Tori changes her setlist every night, so it's always a new show, which is why her fans love to follow her around.) This past Friday, I got it in my head that I REALLY wanted to go to her final show in L.A. Plus, I'd never been to L.A. I looked up plane tickets, and they were shockingly "cheap" for the day before the flight I would have taken. $204! My mom did not help talk me out of it because she "was in a movie". Another acquaintance seduced me into going by her prediction of which doll would open the final show. I snatched that ticket up so fast! I went to L.A. for the final show of the tour on a whim, and it was thrilling! I was so excited and giddy! I kept texting my friends my inane babblings about how I was going to L.A. because I'm batshit crazy.

Proof I went to L.A.:

It's my duty as a good Louisiana girl to take a picture of Brit-Brit's star no matter how screwed up she is or how pregnant her 16-year-old sister may be.

Also, Sweaty Elvis accosted me and then sweat on me and then expected me to tip him for his accosting and his sweat.

The best thing about L.A.?

My fat face!

Tori is such a sweetheart to her fans. (Not to these obnoxious ones, though. Forward to about 2:29 for the R-rated tirade she unleashes on some girls who were being disrespectful to her. You have been warned of the R-ratedness.) She is so gracious and humbled to meet us. She listens to every story she is told no matter how vomit-inducingly cheesy or sad it may be. She laughs and cries with us. She is sincerely interested in each person she meets. I love that she takes time out of her busy days to meet her fans.

The final show was FANTASTIC! It was so full of energy. Two dolls actually opened up the show, something that occured in three of the last few shows. We saw Isabelle, the blond with the camera, first.

She smokes herbal cigarettes, apparently. Her set was gorgeous, politically-charged, and a dream for me because all of the songs were songs I'd never seen Tori play live but had always wanted to. Isabelle left after four songs. The band continued to play a mind-blowing jam, and Matt Chamberlain, the drummer, was SICK on those drums. Some of the most amazing drumming I have ever seen! After a couple minutes, Pip came out for another ass-kicking, angry set. I LOVE this doll because she's so crazy. She does one-armed push-ups, she flips off the crowd, she growls, she drools (foams?) all over the piano, she is a piece of awesome work! Pip played five songs and left, after which Tori came out for her final jumpsuit-and-orange-wig-wearing set of her life (knock on wood). She was full of energy and nostalgia for her final show of the tour. It was a really great show, and I'm so glad that I went. I met some fun people while there, and we spent the entire day of the concert together. We are TOTAL facebook friends now! That's real love.

And finally:

Do these glasses make me look smarter?

*Most of the Tori concert pics were taken by Troy Bullocks, and I think they're awesome!

Poetry from the TGV

2007-07-25T21:02:00.000-06:00

I think it was Christmas 2001 that I went to France for the wedding of two friends. One of my colleagues and I were taking the TGV from Grenoble to Paris. We kind of clashed a bit because she was a little demanding, but we found an activity to entertain each other on the train that wouldn't cause me to want to smack her: crazy poetry.

These last few days, I've been going through all of my stuff because I'm moving to Salt Lake City this weekend. No big deal. And I found a paper that I wrote some of my TGV poetry on. We made up themes for each poem; I can't remember what they were, but there was some method to our madness. So without further ado, I give you Poetry from the TGV.

High-speed Train
Here I go
Fast, fast, fast
Like your mom
Through a box of doughnuts.

I love the train,
It's like lightning.
Vanilla Ice,
That punk's so frightening!

The high-speed train
Ça ne prend que des heures
Pour aller quelque part.
C'est facile comme bonjour.

The Birch
A tree
So free
Waving
Flowing
Shelter
From sun
Savior
From rain
Chopped down
Wood planks
Add wheels
Skateboard

I never said it was good poetry, but they make me laugh nonetheless. "C'est facile comme bonjour" (It's as easy as Bonjour.) is a shout-out to my favorite French professor at BYU. My colleague and I worked for her and had recently taken her phonetics course. The phrase was always fresh in our minds.

Please, be as silly as you want and leave a haiku in the comments.

Hotlanta Funtastic Music Fest

2007-06-27T07:40:00.000-06:00

Okay, telling you about HFMF is way overdue, but I've been out of town a lot lately or busy. So in an effort to not be sitting here all day writing about a FUNTASTIC week, I will make a list of fun happenings.

1. FFF and I stayed with her cousins in Atlanta which totally helped amp up the ability to have more fun (because mo' money=mo' fun and not mo' problems as Biggie is wont to tell us). Her cousins have two girls (10 and 7? 8?) who are adorable and hungry for life. They EAT IT UP!

2. The night we arrived, we went to Stone Mountain, the Mt. Rushmore of the South, apparently. It's an impressive dome of exposed granite with Southern Heroes Lee, Jackson, and Davis carved into its face. We left our sheets at home (if you know what I mean). The reason we went there was to see a laser light show. That was NOT funtastic. Well, I guess it was funtastic in the way that Triple F and I made fun of it the entire time. Do you remember this SNL skit? Watch and return. The laser light show was JUST. LIKE. THAT. in that the projected images were very literally interpreting the songs being played. I'm not being dramatic or hyperbolic or anything but completely truthful when I say that at one point in the show, I leaned over to FFF and said, "Shoot me in the face!" So I just laughed really hard when I watched that video and Tim Meadows said the same thing. It was awful and manipulative. I don't need to hear the Lee Greenwood Anthem and see images of soldiers and national monuments to feel patriotic. Just because your gut wrenches, it does not mean you're a patriot. I don't know how many times I need to say this.

3. Our first full day there was a lazy and beautiful one. We woke up and took the girls to their neighborhood pool for a few hours. Triple and I made each other laugh really hard at our AMAZING ability to out-wit children. FABULOUS! We played Sharks and Minnows into which game we invited some strange children. The group included that one kid you always hated playing with because his favorite word is "TIME!!! I CALLED TIME!!!" After the pool, it was home to play a couple hours of Karaoke Revolution Party on the X-box. For a first timer, I did pretty well. I totally plan on auditioning for American Idol because the game told me I had many a perfect run. IT IS AWN! The day ended with watching Freaky Friday, the one with the more innocent Lohan.

4. The following morning, we went into the city to the MLK, Jr. Historic Site. It's a National Park, by the way. Right there in the middle of Atlanta! With PARK RANGERS! Ranger John gave us a tour of MLK's birth home. I know this is STILL unpopular for a southern white girl to say, but I greatly respect the family he was brought up in and his life's vision.

5. On our way out of the city, we passed by a museum that advertised an exhibit of some of Annie Leibovitz's work. I love her photography. She's got a great eye. One photograph, in particular, grabbed me and held my attention for well over 10 minutes. It wasn't a picture of a very famous woman, although, she was a writer, I think. I don't know anything about her, but when I saw her picture, I knew she was a wise and gentle woman. I saw her, and our spirits connected. It was a strange, powerful moment for me. You know those moments? I wish I had that picture. I wish I could find it online.

6. The Honda Civic Tour, featuring Fall Out Boy with Cobra Starship, Paul Wall, The Academy Is..., and +44. Cobra Starship kicked off the show. They're the group that did that fun "Snakes on a Plane" song called "Bring It". They were MY FAVORITE group that night. They were a ton of fun and hilarious and crazy. Triple bought a fantastic t-shirt boasting their band. It includes images of unicorns. She and I walked around during Paul Wall's set because I'm not a big fan of the rap. I'm just not. The Academy Is...okay. And +44 is nothing but Blink 182 leftovers and nothing to write home about. And then...FALL OUT BOY! It was a great show. Triple was going to go to the show alone before we'd planned HFMF, so our tickets were not near each other, BUT THAT DIDN'T MATTER!!! We spent the entire show sitting together in the front few rows because THEY WERE EMPTY!!! It was amazing and FUNTASTIC! I spent much of the show watching her act like a 12-y.o. girl and laughing at her. It was definitely HER show because I don't spend a lot of time listening to what the emo kids are listening to (not that I haven't been doing that very thing these last two weeks).

7. We took the girls to see "Nancy Drew" Friday morning. It was cute. Afterward, Triple and I were lazing on the couch when the girls were called upstairs. We could here the younger one telling her mom about the movie. It was a play-by-play account. I don't think she omitted one detail. It was very cute, and FFF and I chuckled when we heard mom say, "Okay, you don't have to tell me everything. How did it end?" These girls are such angels. If I ever have children, I want them to be just like these girls. I'll have to email their mom and ask her how she did it.

8. Triple and I were kind of exhausted from the previous days' adventures when we went to Friday night's show. It was Feist, whom I love. The opening band was called "Grizzly Bear"...maybe it was plural...I don't know. What I DO know is that it was awful. The only way that music would have been good is if it was 3AM, I was high, I was getting higher, we were on a beach or in a meadow, and naked. I was embarrassing Triple with my loud exclamations of how I felt about the Grizzlies, but she was overruled by the masses sitting around me who agreed with me. I swear they only played one song, and most of that song was improvised. Seriously, I had to crack on them just to stay awake. After their set, I went to the bathroom where someone was getting high. If I'd only known...

Then Feist came out. She sounded good, but it wasn't really the show to go to when you were already very tired and the warm-up band was more like a lullaby. In the middle of her set, she played two very slow songs back-to-back, and I thought, "Triple is going to be OUT!" I looked over, and she sure was head-bobbing. Poor baby! Feist ended her set with a GREAT performance of "Sea Lion Woman". OH YEAH! And in the middle of the set, they did some crazy bird-chirping shite for about FIVE MINUTES! You know what I'm talking about? You know at 5AM, if you wake up, and you hear an entire FOREST of birds SINGING OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW?! AND YOU WANT TO KILL THEM ALL? Have a listen. That happened for FIVE MINUTES!!!

9. I was in a weird mood on Saturday. We went to Athens. I was in a weird mood=I was in a bad mood. We did stuff. I needed a nap. But I was TOTALLY EXCITED to see Mika that night, and HE DID NOT LET ME DOWN!!! FFF and I decided that we needed to be on the floor for this one because it was going to be an ass-shaker! If Honda Civic was HER show, this one was MINE! I was jumping around and screaming and dancing and sweating. Mika is so HOTT! AND HE COVERED SWEET DREAMS (ARE MADE OF THIS)!!! AND IT WAS AWESOME!!! The show included MANY very large, colorful balloons blown into the crowd, lollipops, confetti, and a crazy dancing man in the seats. Crazy Dancing Man was a favorite of the camera men, and at one point the camera men took a long break and just left the cameras on Crazy Dancing Man (during a set-change, of course). Also, Crazy Dancing Man was assaulted by Crazy Dancing Woman. Cover your eyes, children, because a nightmare was unfolding in front of our very eyes! I used ASSAULTED for a reason! Anyway, Mika was definitely my favorite show during HFMF, and it is one of my most favorite shows that I have ever been too. I really hope that he comes back to the states for a proper tour because I would love to see him again.

10. Sunday, FFF and I got up and packed up the car to leave. Sadness. But we would not be separated for long because we would be together again on Tuesday for Girls Camp!!! Maybe I'll write something about that shortly.

What I am is what I am.

2007-06-08T11:25:00.000-06:00

I wouldn't consider myself a disloyal person, but I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a loyal one either. It's true that when it comes to my family and friends (the ones I love with all my heart, the ones I am in love with), I am fiercely loyal. But when it comes to things, ideas, places, etc., I probably hold no loyalty whatsoever. One way this is manifested is by my lack of hoarding for nostalgia's sake. For example, one day I threw away all of my trophies that I incurred as a younger person because they ceased to mean anything to me. What am I going to do with the pieces of plastic that said I won the Black History Something Something Award or that I was on this soccer team, that basketball team, various softball teams? They were just taking up space. (I have, however, kept all of my swimming medals because they're cooler and take up way less space because they're flat and stackable.) Another example is throwing away most of the ceramic things my grandmother painted and gave me because, again, what am I going to do with that? The only exception I can think of is the tiger she gave me. I fiercely loyal to tigers. In fact, I throw away a lot of things if they're useless and just taking up space and I'm never going to do anything with them ever again...except for my He-Man action figures. I was so in love with him. I can't let go. However, despite being in love with 2/5 of the New Kids on the Block, I threw away my large collection of buttons and collectable cards and such a few years ago before ebay was invented. I guess I choose He-Man over Jonathan Knight, but he kinda turned out to be a wimp and Donny turned out to not be Marky Mark. HELLO!

Where was I going with this? I wasn't writing this to say I don't have a heart. What was my purpose?

Oh yeah!

So, the other day, I had an epiphany. Have you ever heard someone talk about how they've lived in, say, New Orleans, Louisiana, for 20 years, however they are still not accepted as a Louisianian and neither are their kids because they are not originally from Louisiana? I'd never really gotten that; it never made any sense to me. Surely, twenty years is enough to earn the title, "Louisianian", right? Well, Wednesday, I got it! It clicked. I was sitting around with friends, and we were talking about a certain business that's been in Monroe (this city I live in) for decades...generations. The business USED to be something that it is no longer, and for the sake of anonymity I'll say it used to be a candy shop and now it's a clothing store. It used to be called Gary Alton's Candy Emporium, and now it's called Gary Alton Clothier and Sweets. Got it?

So my friend Maddy LaFleur (names have been changed) was saying that several years ago, she'd gone into Gary Alton's Clothier and Sweets looking for um...fizzy cola bottles. Since Gary isn't into selling candy so much anymore, the fizzy cola bottles he had were old and hard, however, he was selling them at premium prices. So Maddy told one of Gary's employees to forget it because she could buy a case of fresh ones at amazon.com for $12.50. She told me that Gary's employee looked at her incredulously, like, "How dare you say that in GARY'S store. GARY!" And then Maddy said, "Well, who is GARY, anyway?" And my other friend, Kentucky Woodwind, Maddy's niece, joined in, "Yeah, who IS Gary?" Befuddled, I looked at them in disbelief and told them, "Gary is Weezer's dad. Gary's dad opened Gary Alton's Candy Emporium over fifty years ago. It's kind of a big name here." And it hit me: Maddy and Kentucky's families have been in Monroe for over 20 years now, but they aren't REALLY from here. How can one be from here and not know who Gary Alton is? Sure, Monroe has gotten bigger and crawled out into the further reaches of the Parish. However, not only do Maddy and Kentucky's families live BLOCKS away (3 and 12, respectively, to be precise, and I mean they live ON THE SAME ROAD) from Gary Alton Clothier and Sweets, but he has ads on every local channel in town. It's a name that is tied to Monroe in tradition and loyalty.

As I was saying earlier, I'm not an especially loyal person. I don't like living in Monroe because I need more than it has to offer, but no matter where I go, I know where I come from. I know the dark history (which I absolutely love. Dear Country Clubbers, the black people serving you are listening to ever secret you're telling each other, and they are telling me! Keep telling those secrets because they ARE JUICY!), I know the people who built this city, I know the traditions and the celebrations, and I know why real Monroyans and real West Monroyans hate each other and it has nothing to do with football, and I love it. No matter where I go, and no matter how long I am there, I am a Monroyan.

Have a cupcake

2007-05-23T21:58:00.000-06:00

I said I'd share favorite recipes with y'all and here's the first. I recommend these cupcakes I baked to celebrate the American Idol finale. They come from the cookbook Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World. They are super easy to make, and my parents, who are skeptical of my new vegetarian self, admitted that these were the best cupcakes they've had in a long time. Seriously, they are delicious!

Basic chocolate cupcake (makes 12 cupcakes)
1 C soy milk
1 t apple cider vinegar
3/4 C granulated sugar
1/3 C canola oil
1 t vanilla extract
1/2 t almond extract, chocolate extract, or more vanilla extract
1 C flour
1/3 C cocoa powder
3/4 t baking soda
1/2 t baking powder
1/4 t salt

Preheat oven to 350, line muffin tins with liners.

Whisk together the soy milk and venegar in a large bowl, and set aside for a few minutes to curdle. Add the sugar, oil, and vanilla extract, and other extract, if using, to the soy milk mixture and beat till foamy. In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Add in two batches to wet ingredients and beat till no large lumps remain.

Pour into liners, filling three-quarters of the way. Bake 18-20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Transfer to cooling rack and let cool completely.

And because it was the easiest thing to do, I topped the completely cooled cupcakes with a chocolate ganache.

1/4 C soy milk
4 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped
2 T pure maple syrup

Bring the soy milk to a gentle boil in a small sauce pan. Immediately remove from heat and add the chocolate and maple syrup. Use a rubber heatproof spatula to mix the chocolate until it is fully melted and smooth. Set aside at room temperature till ready to use.

Why I know I'm better than most American Idol viewers.

2007-05-16T20:13:00.000-06:00

They voted STUPID TAYLOR HICKS as last year's American Idol.
They did not vote for Melinda Doolittle who is CLEARLY the best one on there this year.

Dear Most American Idol Viewers,

You are dumb! And I now go outside to puke on the ground in symbolic disgust and protest of you.

Sincerely,

Kiki

Kiki and FFF's Hotlanta Funtastic Music Fest

2007-05-15T10:53:00.000-06:00

Lately, I have been sad that my only LDS Mormon friend who is MY AGE and who lives near (2 hours away from) me, FFF, is moving home to LDS Mormon saturated Utah near the end of academic Summer. Sad, indeed, and more determined than ever to get out of this single, 20-something (okay...30-something), LDS Mormon-forsaken land.

Anyway...that is not the point of this post. The point is that FFF is on a concert-going kick right now, which kick I am ALWAYS on. So this morning we hashed out a super, wonderful, awesome weekend in the middle of June. We're going to Hotlanta (I had to say it) for at least 3 nights, and on those specific nights, we are going to see three shows. FFF has this thing for the emo bands, like Fall Out Boy. They're emo, right? Whatever. So I will go to that one. BUT THEN!!! We are going to spend the other two nights watching Feist and then Mika, two people I have recently fallen in love with, Mika because he's so fun and peppy and hot, and Feist because I like the way she handles a guitar. Needless to say, we are going to be having our own funtastic music fest! Jealous much?

I COULDA DIED! For real!

2007-05-14T13:45:00.000-06:00

"As a regular Burger King patron, I don't think I could make it any more clear that I don't give a flying **** what I put into my body."

So...Friday night I was hanging out at my parents' house playing an intense game of Tetris when I suddenly felt really weird...dizzy, blurry eyes, heavy arms. I could feel my heart rapidly trying to burst out of my chest, and I thought, "I better go tell my parents right now while I'm alive to do so."

Long story short, my dad took me to the ER, they ran a bunch of tests on me, everything looked/sounded normal, I have a big ugly bruise on my arm from where an IV was (it's actually in the shape of the Mac Apple), and they told me to go see my doctor, which I just returned from. Diagnosis: idiopathic, probably stress and exhaustion. Stress. And exhaustion. I'LL say! I'd just finished my toughest semester ever, and I barely scraped by. Anyway, the whole thing scared the crap out of me, enough to REALLY effect a lifestyle change. I'm not playing around anymore, and I mean it! I mean it so much, that I'm going to eat a vegetarian diet. It's an extreme change, but maybe extreme is what I need. I COULD'VE DIED!!! WHILE PLAYING TETRIS!!! BECAUSE I'M UNHEALTHY!!! AND I HAVEN'T EVER HAD SEX!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW DAY 6 OF 24 ENDS!!! I HAVEN'T SEEN THE FINAL CHAPTER OF HEROES!!! AM I ON THE LIST?! ARE JIM AND PAM GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER?! WILL MELINDA BE THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL?! I DON'T KNOW!!! AND I ALMOST DIDN'T FIND OUT!!!

I'm actually pretty excited about this change. My family kids me about not knowing how to cook, which is completely untrue. I just don't make time to cook. Plus, I like to be creative when I cook, and frankly, I might as well live with backwoods farmers who belong to the KKK because creative in cooking is not their thing. (KKK because they don't like to eat foreign food, and Mexican here DOES NOT COUNT!...or Chinese.) So cooking normal, unexciting stuff does not appeal to me. Any idiot can cook a steak! I'm ready for adventure, for hits and misses, for surprises, for education, for health. And while I know that meat can be healthy, I think I have to do it like this. If I allow myself to eat meat, I'll allow myself to be lazy, to stop at Wendy's, Sonic, Taco Bell, etc. when I want food NOW! I'm going to learn to be patient, to eat good things, and to love good things. I've had a couple of really tasty experiences already, and my sister has surprisingly enjoyed them as well.

I went crazy and ordered 3 cookbooks today, two of which were recommended to me by the fabulous c jane. And I'll try to remember to post recipes that I try and love. And here is the first: Lentil wraps. I used two jalapeños because I like heat! I added 2 whole cups of vegetable broth because I ended up cooking the lentils for longer than 30 minutes so they weren't crunchy. I hates the crunchy lentils. And I HEART the little carrot mixture that goes on the wraps. It adds a delightful, yummy crunch to these wraps. Also, buy exciting wraps and not boring tortillas.

I invite you to post your favorite vegetarian recipes, vegetarian recipe links and cookbooks, vegetarian blogs, etc. because I want to stay excited about this.

FULL. BLOWN. RELAPSE.

2007-05-11T17:35:00.000-06:00

It was only a matter of time before I finally posted about MY EXCITEMENT! over the newest TORI AMOS! album, American Doll Posse, and her FORTHCOMING TOUR! I'm doing this now, over a week after the release of the record and well later of song leakage on the internets, because my absolute favorite ever of her guest performances on a TV show was yesterday on Graham Norton's show in the UK. She's playing one of her new songs, Bouncing Off Clouds, a fun, happy, dancey song, and the camera work here is manic as if it's a music video. Maybe that's why I like it so much. (Notice the shoes!)

As some of you know, when it is "Tori Season", I listen almost exclusively to her music mostly because I want to drive everyone, including my mom, crazy. (Whatever. My mom has not attended 3 of her shows because she hates her. She's a closet Toriphile.) I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE American Doll Posse! I wasn't very excited upon first hearing the title of the songs and some of the leaked portions, but after having a week to listen to the record and marinade in it's juices, I adore it.

I can't wait to find out where she'll be going on her U.S. legs of the tour because I want to plan where I'm going to go to watch her, and I have to hit several shows on the tour. This is why: she's taking on 5 different characters, and she will start off each show as one of the Posse. I want to see each one.

For those of you who are not wild about Tori but who like a little somethin'-somethin' now and then, here are my absolute favorite songs (mostly in a preferred order), which I highly recommend:

1. Body and Soul
2. Bouncing Off Clouds
3. Beauty of Speed
4. Code Red
5. Dark Side of the Sun
6. Almost Rosey
7. Girl Disappearing
8. Big Wheel
9. Dragon
6. Roosterspur Bridge
10. Smokey Joe
11. Teenage Hustling

I know you're also thinking that I just listed the whole album, but there are 23 tracks on it. I love it a lot.

Storytime

2007-05-11T07:55:00.000-06:00

I was doing a little drive around town the other night because it felt good outside, and I wasn't quite ready to go home for the evening. There's one street I love to drive down because it borders the bayou and it's beautiful. Since I've been able to drive (nearly 16 years now...GROSS!), I've loved driving down Island Drive (I equally enjoy riding my bike and walking down this street since I live close to it).

When I was in high school, kids would tell stories of the old man who lives in *that* house on Island Drive. These stories included shining a supernova at any passing car, running out into the middle of the road to scare drivers, being really cranky to little girls diligently selling their cookies or other fundraising items, being OLD.

TANGENT. I generally like old people. They're usually nice, they keep candy in the house, and they make delicious chicken salad sandwiches. However, when they have nothing to occupy themselves with, they do crazy things, like memorize your school schedule so they can wake you up or ask you why you aren't at school, or obsess over the spare tire that you put in their backyard because your trunk leaks, or obsess over the piece of litter in the front yard, or obsess over the small limb laying in the backyard, or obsess over the fact that there is a glass missing out of the cupboard, or obsess over that cheese you bought that you haven't finished eating, or obsess over that bread you bought that's still in the freezer, or obsess over the shoes...MY GOODNESS THE SHOES!...on the floor of your room. OBSESSING! THEY OBSESS!

So to bring that tangent into my story, apparently, this old man OBSESSED over DAMN TEENAGERS cruising down his street. (He lived in a HUGE house that was WAY BACK THE HELL OFF of the road.) One night, a friend and I were going to see if there was any credence to these stories of the crazy old man, and we cruised down the road. Nothing happened, so we turned around and went back down. Nothing. We went somewhere else, and later decided to take another trip down Island Drive, and SUDDENLY I SAW A PILLAR OF LIGHT! A beam of light, I mean, shown across the road, and I felt giddy. I slowed down, and deliberately looked toward the source of the light. My friend and I laughed, and I remembered, "HEY! I'm in my dad's truck with my dad's keys and my dad's toolbox of stuff. I KNOW he has a spotlight in there." So we got out my dad's spotlight and plugged it in. A few moments later, we were heading back down the street, and when we were approaching his house, the same beam of light appeared, and this time, we fired back with our own. IT WAS THE MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER AT THAT TIME! We got to the end of the street, and we stopped to laugh hysterically.

Our laughing was cut short when we perceived flashing lights that didn't come from old man's spotlight. A cop had pulled up behind us. He came to the window and asked us what we were doing, and I, being a cheeky person, said, "Laughing." He asked what I was specifically doing on that street. "Do you have any business on this street?" And I being a cheeky person responded, "No. This street is not zoned for business." The cop could have been a total ass, but I suspect he was remembering when he was young and also understanding how ridiculous old man was and said, "Look. Please just leave and stop bothering the old man. He has nothing better to do than call us and tell us he's being harassed by every passer-by, and we have to follow up on those calls. So please help me by leaving him alone." He was so nice and practically begging that my heart sunk for him and I called off my attack on the old man.

At least then I KNEW these stories weren't fabrications. I still wanted to press him, wanted him to run out into the street. Maybe that part was made up.

Why is this baby crying?

2007-05-02T00:30:00.000-06:00

Tell me, dear reader; why, do you think, is this kid crying? Make up your answer, and post it in the comments. I'm dying to read what you have to say.

I can't stop watching this.

2007-04-25T08:24:00.000-06:00

I haven't stopped watching this since I saw her on Letteman on Friday. I'm not kidding. It's still on my TiVo, too. I wish I had the audio file so I could play it on repeat in my room, in my car, on my iPod. I like this so much better than the album recording.

WOOT! WOOT! I FINALLY have the audio file! FOR REAL THIS TIME!

My first interview. I feel so famous.

2007-04-25T00:03:00.000-06:00

Azúcar has sent me some interview questions, and after several hours, I've finally finished answering them. Thanks for the inquiry, Zuc, and enjoy.

Azúcar: You are always finding great new music. What drives your desire to consume music?

Kiki: I enjoy silence when I need it. I’m not one of those people who have to always fill it with sound, but I almost always need music filling my ears. That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, does it? I don’t care. This is my blog! I can say what I want. Anyway, music is the cementer of memories. If music is always playing, there will be times when little, impressionable things will happen, but you may forget them by the end of the day or even the hour. The next time you hear the song that was playing when that memory was made, every detail of that moment will come flooding back to you. So many experiences I have had are tied to music. Whenever I hear anything by Shania Twain from her “Come On, Come On” album, I will remember that crazy roadtrip from here to Utah with my friend Sheridan, which also led to an impromtu trip from Utah to San Diego with Sheridan and two other friends, Janessa and Jan. Remind me sometime to recount a story involving banana peels, car windows, and hands. Whenever I listen to Tori Amos’ album “Scarlet’s Walk”, I will be whisked away to Pontcharra, France, where I lived a few years ago. I always think of my train rides back into the village; I remember every change in scenery, the vineyards to the little towns to the 11th century towers sprinking the foothills to the odd-looking factories and each massive pile of wood. I remember walking the streets of the towns and the changes in my pace and style of walk as the songs changed. I remember walking home late at night after leaving the movie house. I remember the smells of that small town.

In addition to that, I just love really well-orchestrated music, (I’m no trained musician, so I don’t really know how to talk about this) the way instruments’ sounds intertwine. I really love a heavy left hand on the piano. I love when I think a song is amazing, and then there is a little surprise when the bridge of the song sends me to higher heights with its crazy awesomeness!

Another reason I crave music is because we can find ourselves and our lives in almost any song. At least, I do, and that’s why a listen to it constantly.

Azúcar: Exactly how many languages do you speak and in what countries have you traveled?

Kiki: Obviously, I speak English. It’s my native language. I’m very good at spelling and at answering, “I’m doing well,” and not, “I’m doing good,” when others ask me “How are you doing?” Because when people ask me that, I’m usually not being the good-doing humanitarian.

I took French classes at different points during grade school and knew I’d want to learn it for reals one day, so I did that while at the BYU and during multiple visits and livings in French-speaking countries, Quebec, Switzerland, Morocco, Senegal, and France, bien-sûr. My first international travel happened at the end of my senior year of high school, when I went on a class trip to London & environs, unless the trip to Calgary when I was 8 counts. It was the London trip and not the Calgary trip that jump-started my addiction to going somewhere else that’s not my own country.

After my Spanish-speaking, Mormon LDS Church Mission to the difficult area of San Diego, California, I went with one of my companions and her family to pick up her brother from his Mormon LDS Church Mission in Austria. We spent much time in that country, Germany, and some redundant places. While there, we went to a very heated football match where we got showered with beer.

While at the BYU, I may have continued my studies of the Spanish language under La Professora. I also decided that I should probably pick up German while I was there. Let’s wrap this up: I’ve also been to Mexico, Spain, and Italy. I want Japanese to be the next language that I seriously study. It’s time for a non-Indo-European language.

Azúcar: Say I want to go to Mardi Gras next year, what would you recommend I do or do not do?

Kiki: I recommend you do what I always do. You must splurge and stay downtown, and I don’t mean in the business district. You should go to Café du Monde late every night for beignets and hot chocolate (or café au lait, if that’s your thing). You should go to the Irish quarter for roast beef po-boys at Parasols. They are delicious. You should go ride the street car down St. Charles (if they have that up and running by next Mardi Gras) late one morning, take the first stop on Carrollton Ave., and go eat breakfast at The Camellia Grille, WHICH FINALLY REOPENED (20 MONTHS AFTER KATRINA) THIS WEEK!!! WAHOO! You should go eat Cajun food anywhere you can find it (everywhere). You should take a walk down Royal Street for antique shopping. The entire street is lined with antique shops. You should dress up in a really funky outfit for Mardi Gras day. You should attend the Endymion and Orpheus parades because their floats are SUPERIOR to any other krewes’ floats. And you should attend Zulu for the experience. You should never lose your patience with the revelers because everyone is there to have a good time and to love each other. There are a lot of great artists in New Orleans, so you should walk around the Quarter to visit some of the galleries. OH! And you should, if you like books, visit Arcadian Books & Prints, a bookstore I recently found by accident and love. You should not spend a lot of time on Bourbon street, and not because of the things you might see, but because of the things you might smell. You smell vomit, you make vomit.

Azúcar: Explain to me your feelings about mayonnaise.

Kiki: Mayonnaise is one of the few substances that can make me dry heave just by thinking about it. The smell, the sound, and the taste are a trifecta of doom to my peaceful stomach and its contents. It’s disgusting, and we can never be friends, unless it is, in minimal amounts, holding together a really yummy chicken salad.

Azúcar: You have 4 free days, a credit card with no limit, and an updated passport: where are you going, who is coming with you, and what are you doing?

Kiki: I would fly to Utah immediately, I would rent a convertible luxury car, I would drive to Logan, I would kidnap my Janalyn, and we would go wherever we wanted to for four days. Four days is too few to actually leave the country, so I would use it to have a fun roadtrip with one of my greatest, most favorite friends. One night at our hotel, I would book hotels and buy tickets to go to every show on the up-coming Tori Amos tour. Also, during each of those four days, I would extract the maximum amount of cash in ATM withdrawals to fund the miscellany of that tour. I would hope that at some point during the trip, we’d pass an Apple Store. I would buy a new Mac G5 with all of the bells and whistles. I would purchase cameras and lenses galore. Those would be four AWESOME days. Jan, when are we going? I won’t have that imaginary card, though, or the convertible luxury car.

Blocking what could have been the most uncomfortable moment of the decade

2007-04-22T12:33:00.000-06:00

These moments seem to always come courtesy of g-ma. This exchange occurred as she was reading the paper.

G-ma: Maybe I'm just stupid about things like this, but could you explain to me how someone has phone sex?
Me: (thinking to myself) Pass.

I shrugged my shoulders and left the room. I feel like I should send her a memo, and the memo would say something like this: "Any talk regarding sex shall be strictly kept to oneself when the conversation involves you and me."

Rich Whitey: 6/1997 - 4/2007

2007-04-10T12:27:00.000-06:00

I remember the day I brought her home. She was beautiful and shiny and smell-goody. The first song I played was "Elegantly Wasted" by INXS, and I loved it so much because the sound system was WAY better than the car I had just replaced. The bass boomed. I invited my friends to come visit her and to go with me on little jaunts with her. One of my favorite friends of that Summer christened her "Rich Whitey" because she was the richest car on the block.

Rich Whitey was the venue where a lot of good memories were made. I took many drives through the gorgeous canyons of Utah. I fell in love in that car. Many roadtrips to San Diego, Las Vegas, Denver, Southern Utah, Logan, and the Sierra Nevadas were made in Rich Whitey. She was my therapist; a lot of problems were sorted out with her. But I think we both preferred when she was filled with friends, laughter, music, and she was going somewhere fun.

Ah... I'm going to miss Rich Whitey. She has a lot of power, but she's getting old and wrinkled and dilapidated. She's being sent to live with a nice Guatemalan family (I'm not kidding), where she will be loved and cared for in this Indian Summer of her life and where her new name will be Huera Rica. I wanted to keep her forever, but that's impractical. I need to buck up and move on.

Now I will be driving my mom's old car because she bought a new vehicle. The old car is not actually old. It's quite nice. It's a Mazda 626. I haven't thought up a name for it yet. The best I can come up with is "Red-headed Stepchild". I'll have to think about it.

I'm kinda sad about the whole thing. So all yous that have met/ridden/fellowshipped Rich Whitey, pay your respects!

2007-04-10T12:20:00.000-06:00

Dear men who have these hanging from your HUGE trucks or Harleys,

You are gross, and now we all know what you don't actually have.

Love,
Kiki

Ask me about my weekend.

2007-04-09T22:42:00.000-06:00

It was awesome! Thanks for asking. My bestest friend, who is currently living in the South as a teacher for Teach For America, who is living in my LDS Mormon Stake (similar to a diocese for you unfamiliar) in Mississippi (yes, my stake's bigger than yours), who is similarly aged, who is single, who is crazy-go-nuts awesome, FFF and I went to Memphis Friday. (I should say here that she's not my REAL bestest friend, but she is my bestest friend who fits all of those criteria. In short, she is the only LDS Mormon friend I have in these here parts AND SHE'S TWO HOURS AWAY!!! Oh...and I LOVE her!) (We don't really refer to ourselves as LDS Mormons, by the way. I just sometimes like being redundant.)

Tell me if this happens to you: when you go to Memphis, do you always get lost? It IS one of the most confusing places you have ever been to, right? It's so confusing that even Mapquest gets confused, for Mapquest sent me all over eastern Memphis looking for my hotel which was not at all where Mapquest said it was. That's how confusing it is. It fooled a computer! So, anyway, we spent much of Friday afternoon being lost, but that was okay because in being lost, we found a lot of stuff that would entertain us later in the evening after we had found our hotel and dropped our stuff there. We laughed a lot because there are two things to do when lost: get pist or laugh. I always try to go with the latter, laughter option.

Did y'all feel that freakishly cold and awesome air that swept the country over the weekend? It was so cold in Memphis, that we were glad we got lost and found lots of stuff to do INDOORS. We went to some mall that had a Godiva Chocolatier in it. I bought, like, 4 thousand pieces of chocolate (but probably just 4) that were all equally evil and awesome! (I'm not letting go of awesome!) Godiva isn't my preferred chocolate, but when in Rome, Romans might eat Godiva if it's available, and that's what was available, so I ate it.

After schlepping around the mall and threatening to buy shoes I didn't need (while Triple F was simultaneously getting hit on by weird men [who made it known that they had a bellybutton, like we didn't know that] with coffee-stained teeth who told pirate jokes [awesome]), we went to Best Buy to play Guitar Hero. Have y'all played this game? Neither have I because some 26-y.o. LOSER was HOGGING the game!!! GO TO A BAR AND PICK UP CHICKS!! But it looks totally AWESOME, anyway! Wish we could have played it. While I wasn't playing that game, I was buying Hellogoodbye's latest because I can't get enough of "Here In Your Arms". (I'm not kidding. I listened to it DURING THE ENTIRE 2-HOUR DRIVE HOME TONIGHT! "Well, you are the one the one that lies close to me/Whispers hello, I miss you quite terribly/I fell in love, in love with you suddenly/Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms.")

Saturday, the air was heart-stoppingly and not-at-all-springly cold, so we ate some spicy Thai food, which is always one of my favorite things to do. We then walked across the street to the Peabody Hotel because nothing makes me giddier than the fact that this hotel has ROYAL DUCKS! The DUCKS are treated as KING and QUEENS! They have a DUCK PALACE! They walk on a RED CARPET everyday from the elevator to the hotel lobby DUCK POND FOUNTAIN! To a SOUZA MARCH! It's TOTALLY, HILARIOUSLY AWESOME! I want to be friends with the dead man who thought up this gimmick. He's my kind of people.

We were going to enjoy the Beale Street atmosphere, but the only atmosphere over there was an Arctic one, so we went to the Apple Store and to some other shops, including a children's clothing store that had the cutest baby clothes, baby clothes that made my ovaries expel a jillion eggs and made my uterus contract (all in vain). It's no secret that plural children give me the twitches and the need for Zoloft or a gun, but if I had had the ability to spontaneously produce children, I would have dropped 3 out of my womanhood right onto that floor just so I could have clothed them in those clothes.

Shortly thereafter, we headed back to Mississippi where we were lazy. Sunday, we made Cjane's black bean burgers, which were so tasty and awesome! (Cjane, don't let me forget that I have a question to ask you.) Later in the evening after naps, we watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, but instead of listening to the soundtrack, we muted it and listened to some dude's commentary that he wrote and recorded for others to listen to while watching the movie. It's one of the funniest things I have ever watched/listened to. A warning: it's not for the pure in language. There is a lot of comedic F-bombing that happens. It is also pants-wettingly funny, so pee before watching if you choose to do so. Also, if you have gas, hope that whomever you're watching with doesn't mind if those get let go, because from personal experience, it is gas-passingly hilarious. Mind-numbingly is another adverb I would use to describe the character of the comedy...or mind-throbbingly, or headache-inducingly, or myriad other such adverbs. If you dare, and you should, you can find the recording here. Do enjoy. And if you think you don't like HP and the SS, you have NO IDEA!!!

Lots of chocolate.

2007-04-04T20:42:00.000-06:00

I made a HUGE discovery this week. I'm probably the only person this is HUGE for, but it makes my life just THAT MUCH easier. Don't look at your keyboard, but place your hands in the correct place. You know...your left forefinger on F and your right forefinger on J and so on. Now...lightly stroke those F and J keys. Not the others. Just the F and J. Do you feel that? Those non-flat, ridgy things? Those are the greatest things EVER!!! And this is why: I love to be in the dark. I don't like light. My room is almost always black because I can get around in it, because I don't NEED the light that hurts my eyes, because it's just wasting electricity, because the only things I do in my room are surf the internet and watch TV, and guess what! You don't need superfluous light to do either of those things. You know that computer screen and that TV screen? Light. I don't need other light to see them. BUT I have been known to pull out the keyboard under that light just so I could find my F and J landmarks so I could properly place my hands on the keyboard. BUT THAT IS ALL OVER! You know why?! BECAUSE OF THE NON-FLAT, RIDGY THINGS ON THE F AND J! It's AWESOME! I'm so happy!

Here are some videos that make me laugh and/or make me happy:

What are some of your favorite video links?

Uncomfortable moment of the decade

2007-03-21T11:29:00.000-06:00

And the winner goes to this morning when I mentioned to my G-ma that I might be going to celebrate a friend's birthday in Dallas over Easter weekend. She asked me, "Are you two sleeping together?" I wanted to burst into laughter because 1) No. When I say I'm Mormon, I am also saying that I don't have sex before marriage. And 2) No, because he's gay. She doesn't know number 2, though, and I didn't think I would ever have to mention it. But I just might at some point let her know.

_________________________________

Okay, so to continue the "Uncomfortable moment of the decade", I told my G-ma that he's gay, and here's an approximate transcript of the conversation:

Me: Mimi, he's gay.
G-ma: Well, thank God! There's a letter to the editor about gays in the paper today.
Me: *blink*
G-ma: Does he have another...
Me: No.
G-ma: Fellah?
Me: *blink*
G-ma: When did he decide he was gay?
Me: A few years ago.
G-ma: He does know it's wrong, doesn't he?
Me: *blink*
G-ma: Well, I'm gonna go to the grocery store.

End scene

"Thank God"? And then later on she asks, "He does know it's wrong, doesn't he?" It's almost as if she doesn't trust me to live righteously. I'm a little put off by that. At any rate, am I not old enough to make my own decisions whether they be right or wrong? I'm a little perturbed.

2007-02-28T07:05:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, picking at arm zits is way more fun and interesting than what you're supposed to be doing.

NEW ORLEANS MARDI GRAS 2007!!!

2007-02-25T15:53:00.000-06:00

Isn't he the cutest devil you ever did see?

Now that the mood is set, I give you "Going to Hell list - 2007".

Mormons are on it again, as well as adulteresses. Man-whores, you're okay this year.

People wearing underwear with chaps when they shouldn't be are not on that list.

Despite that abomination, there was a lot of adorable to be seen at Mardi Gras.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

Exhibit E:

I almost didn't go to Mardi Gras this year because I was in a bad mood, but then I woke up on Saturday last weekend wondering what in the heck I was still doing in Monroe. So I took a shower, threw some clothes, my camera, and necessary power cords in a bag, hopped into my car, and sped down there. I'm so glad I went, too, because I had a really good time. I saw old friends, met new ones, kissed a random stranger in the street, and critiqued Mardi Gras outfits. I also ate lots of good food and beignets. Mmm...beignets...

P.S. Harry Connick, Jr. and Drew Brees are really hot in person.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-21T00:34:00.000-06:00

A;SLKDJFASLKJDF;LASKDJF;ALSKDJFDSFKLJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this video adequately represents my reaction.

I am now taking donations to support my Summer Tour, aka Tori Stalk 2007.

Can somebody get Tori a sandwich please? With bacon? She hasn't eaten in, like, 4 years.

2007-02-19T09:03:00.000-06:00

Last night, I was at a parade on Canal Street. (I'm in New Orleans, by the way.) A friend (we'll call him Jeff), some other revelers, and I each had hands claiming some of a large tangle of beads. So we pulled them down to untangle them. The following exchange took place:

Jeff: Just yank on it; it will come.
Other reveler: Is that what you said last night?
My other friends and Kiki stare quietly at each other
exit other revelers
Jeff, other friends, and Kiki laugh hysterically

It's fun being in New Orleans right now because everyone is happy and friendly and bound together in unholy Mardi Gras bliss. I'll maybe post some pictures soon.

OH! And yesterday morning, I was in my air mattress at the doctors' house in uptown N.O. when at 10AM, somebody started playing the trumpet. The trumpeter (doctor Jeff says it was a girl) kind of practices backward, in that she started playing her "pieces" and ended with scales. The best thing I can say about her "pieces" is that they were nonsense. It was the first thing I saw this weekend that made me think of that thing on Letterman, "Is This Anything?" But then, even more offensive and anxiety producing were the scales because this is how they went: do-re-me-fa-so-la-ti. Or do-re-me-fa-so-la. COME ON! PLAY THE LAST NOTE!!! PLEASE PLAY THE LAST NOTE! OMG! OKAY! OKAY! I WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WOULD JUST PLAY THE LAST NOTE I'M BEGGING YOU!

My Thoughts While Watching the Grammys

2007-02-12T02:18:00.000-06:00

I would give anything to see The Police play together for real.

Another song we haven't heard won a Grammy because it was sung by legends even though the entire world had to go through rehab to get "Hips Don't Lie" out of their heads.

The two not-Natalie Dixie Chicks look like they should be backing Robert Palmer.

Beyoncé really does bug.

I want to punch Fergie in the face because she can't read and for countless other reasons.

I've never seen India.Arie's hair before. She looks WAY different.

I was just thinking of Erykah Badu, but I still don't think I've ever seen India.'s hair.

Father God, Mambo, and the Savior Jesus Christ. SOMEBODY got demoted!

Justin, we ALL know "What Goes Around..." was about Britney and not about "a friend's personal experience", so stop trying to play us.

I wish there were a knob on the TV that I could turn to put people back on pitch.

I can’t stand Corinne Bailey Rae.

¿Como se llama, bonita? Mi casa. I need to go back to rehab.

I do not like Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy (Funeral Durge Remix)”.

Mary J. Blige = true musical royalty? Isn’t that going too far?

Wait! How did the Dixie Chicks beat LEGEND Willie Nelson?! Just kidding.

I just had an evil thought: Rascal Fatts. HEE! That dude should really do something else with his hair.

Carrie Underwood… She causes turmoil within me because I cannot like country, but I LOVE her voice.

How did Chris Brown become famous? Really. Did Usher retire and pass his crown on?

Elisabeth Schwartzkopf?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I’m sorry. That was mean. She meant a lot to someone.

Seriously, how did draping James Brown’s cape over the mic incite that riotous outburst? THE POLICE JUST REUNITED ON THIS VERY STAGE!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mary J. Blige. Again.

Since my friend told me that James Blunt sounded like Rod Stewart, I haven’t been able to listen to that song “You’re Beautiful”. It’s a good thing because he’s SO. BORING!

Are JT and Mary J. competing to see who performs the most on stage tonight?

Did you know that Flea’s last name was Gonzales? And what is he wearing?

At least he’s wearing something.

Best Rock Album: I swear to God if John Mayer beats the Red Hot Chili Peppers… I don’t have to finish that sentence.

I want to put John Mayer, Corinne Insipid Rae, and James Blunt into a basin, fill it with cement, and sink it so that we never have to hear from them again.

Album of the Year…WHAT?! CURRENTLY RECORDING HER FIRST ALBUM SCARLETT JOHANSSON?! WTF?!

FUNNIEST. EXCHANGE. EVER!!!
Don Henley: So you’re recording your first album.
ScarJo: Yeah. Do you have any advice for me?
Don Henley: No.

GO, DIXIES!

This is the South

2007-02-11T13:01:00.000-06:00

Trisha: Is you is, or is you ain't open?
Shayne: No, ma'am. We closed for remodlin."

This is a Sonic in Lake Village, AR. Thank goodness I didn't find this in Louisiana!

It has been asked if this is a fake picture. And the answer is no. No, it isn't. I took that picture this morning.

And I am telling you...

2007-02-06T22:23:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Azúcar for writing this post reminding me of something I was going to blog about a few weeks ago.

I think I was sucked into the vortex that is Dreamgirls further than anyone else because to this day, a whopping six weeks after it was released, I'm still the only person preaching its fabulousness. Sure, it's up for a bunch of Oscars, but other than that, I think most people have moved on. But I'm hear to tell you, if you buy a ticket and only see Jennifer Hudson sing that one song that is going to give her the little gold man, you will have gotten your money's worth. I still crave seeing it; the girl's performance is standing-ovationly unbelievable.

The second time I went to see it, I went alone because when I'm alone, I can let emotion carry me away. I start to think that I can accomplish the impossible; like, I can TOTALLY sing that song as well as JHud. Afterall, I WAS good enough to sing in the Mormon LDS Missionary Training Center choir and the BYU FLSR Ward Choir. I remember this one time; it was Easter, and we were singing "Oh, Saviour, Thou Who Wearest a Crown of Piercing Thorn". The music was composed Bach for "The St. Matthew Passion", and it's one of my favorite melodies despite its somber tone. I was so excited to sing it with the choir. (I am not a good singer.) As we stood there singing, I earnestly vocalized and facially expressed my earnestness. I KNOW EVERYONE heard and SAW that this hymn was my most favorite thing EVER CREATED or PERFORMED, and it was CERTAINLY the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER IN THAT MOMENT, FOR MY FACE AND THROAT SANG SO!! You know when you watch an organized choir, and most people are there just doing their job, lending their voice, trying to please the audience? There's always that one person who's there because THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER DONE, and his eyes are almost bugging out with excitement, and his mouth is WIDE OPEN YOU COULD DRIVE A BOAT SHOW IN THERE, and he's doing things with his face that you wouldn't ever attempt doing because there's no point in stretching your face that much. I WAS THAT PERSON!!! I sang LOUDER and prouder than ANY of the other seven in that little group. I KNOW everyone heard me. I KNOW everyone was thinking, "Bitch is WILD!" (except less vulgar because we were in church.) I KNOW I can be the next American Idol, and YOU!

AND YOU!

AND YOU!

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME!!!!

Movies like Dreamgirls really make you think crazy stuff like that!

Meet the newest member of my gadget family:

2007-02-05T21:43:00.000-06:00

Terry.

She's a Nikon D70. I got her used. Now, I just need to buy a um...snap-on...lens, and then she's good to go. We're going to have so much fun!

2007-02-03T23:19:00.000-06:00

You know those times when you're getting ready to leave a friend's house, and you have to go...pee...REALLY BADLY, but you don't go at friend's house because you know that when you get home you have to do A, B, and C things, so why go to the bathroom twice? And you live barely a block away, so you'll make it, right? And then you know when you get home and your outside cat is there waiting for you to pour a midnight snack into his bowl, and you think, "I can do that"? But then you know when you bend over, and you feel your bladder letting go, so you ditch that idea for the moment so you can get to the bathroom? But then you're walking briskly through the house, and memories of childhood cruelty come flooding to your head. And then you know when you get to the bathroom and you think, "VICTORY!!!", but then PSYCH! You wet your pants? That happened to me tonight.

When was the last time you wet your pants...as an adult, and a fetus wasn't using your bladder as a trampoline...and you weren't drunk or high?

Dear young women of the world,

2007-01-24T13:31:00.000-06:00

We need to have a little chat. I know that y'all are under a lot of pressure from the media, Paris Hilton, and the Pussycat Dolls to wear clothing you think is sexy, e.g., you're pairing pants that stop midhip with thongs that wrap up around your waist. (Something you may not know: your waist is ABOVE your hips.) Of course, if you are, in fact, under pressure from Paris Hilton, you will soon/have already become the latest Britney Spears, i.e., you are calling blouses dresses, and you think that going commando is the new thong.

STOP THE INSANITY, LADIES!!

Maybe you ARE wearing those panties from that Victoria's Secret ad with the sexy Gisele angel, but if your prized lingerie is peaking out over your jeans, most guys are going to laugh at you and think of you in ways you probably didn't intend. I mean, they are going to think of you as slutty, a tease, cheap, easy, Britney, nasty, dirrty, gross, fat because, let's face it; some of you should not be wearing that. Cover up that Christmas dinner belly.

It's time to become something better. Let's start by tearing down that Lindsay Lohan poster. Do you really want to become that sad drunk being called "Fire Crotch" by her peers? Next, take any underwear that wraps around your waist, and put them on the same hanger as your paints that also wrap around your waist so that you don't make the mistake we're trying to correct here. You need to wear pants that wear ABOVE the top of your underpants. Also, when you wear hipster pants, wear your longer blouses. Imagining what's under the clothes is hotter than seeing the disappointment. Wear your form-fitting clothes but remember to cover the form. (If Micheline Man is your form, do not wear form-fitting clothes. We already know you're overweight. Instead, take some tips from the stunning Jennifer Hudson and that lionness actress from "Grey's Anatomy". They are models of plus-sized beauty, elegance, and sexiness.)

So, to summarize: fewer asscracks, T-backs, and bellies, and more elegance and use of the imagination. Let's grow up ladies.

With love and concern,

Aunt Kiki

2006-12-23T18:09:00.000-06:00

Some friends gave me a $25 card for iTunes, and I need to spend it wisely. What are some songs that y'all think are some must-haves? Keep the country to yourself please, but I welcome any other recommendations. If only the second season of "Weeds" were for sale on iTunes...

Pop Culture Thing

2006-12-13T10:48:00.000-06:00

I know each category wants a FAVORITE, implying a singular thing, but I just can't name one in most cases. Please forgive me.

FAVORITE SONG INTRO: Um...I don't know. I can't think of one song intro right now. The only thing that comes to mind is that part on About a Boy when Marcus is walking up to Will's door in slo-mo, and U2s "Zoo Station" is playing. An intro, that's not.

FAVORITE MOVIE QUOTE:"Who's on top and who's on bottom now, huh?! WHO'S ON TOP AND WHO'S ON BOTTOM NOW?!"

FAVORITE '80'S SONG: There are so many, but these are the ones that immediately jump out at me: "Africa" by Toto, "Take on Me" by A-ha, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler, "Reflex" by Duran Duran, "Head Over Heels" by the Go-Gos, "With or Without You" by U2

FAVORITE MUSICAL CHARACTER: I'm not a huge fan of musicals. I like some of them. I appreciate them. So my favorite musical character is probably Mary Poppins, but that was threatened a few years ago when I was watching the Tonys, and Idina Menzel was on the stage as Elphaba singing "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. I thought it was AMAZING! But thinking about it now, I can't say that Elphaba is my favorite because of that song, rather that song is my favorite song in any musical ever written.

FAVORITE HAIR BAND: Probably Bon Jovi because I don't think Def Leppard counts as a hair band even though they were huge in the hair band era. I'm not even sure Bon Jovi counts as a hair band just because they had a phase. Maybe Poison, then?

FAVORITE REALITY SERIES: Well, reality television is another one of those things that I'm totally over now. I just can't stand any more of it (AND these game shows, by the way!). I totally dug "The Apprentice" when it was on, but I think my favorite series is going to have to be "The Real World". I will still watch that one. It was the pioneer. However, I'm sick of them always having the one alcoholic who's out of control drinking prompts them to see a counselor and change their life. Just stop drinking, kids.

WORST CELEBRITY NICKNAME EVER: Most rappers' names, e.g., Ludicris, Fabolus (an especially stoopid name, while we're misspelling words), Ja Rule, TuPac, Biggie Smalls, The Notorious B.I.G., ODB, etc.

FAVORITE TV SHOW THEME SONG: The latest incarnation of the theme song from "Veronica Mars", "We Used to be Friends", by the Dandy Warhols. I also love the "Weeds" theme song, "Little Boxes", being sung by different people this season. And I love The Who, so I'm a definite fan of the "CSI" theme songs.

SHOWS ON YOUR DVR QUEUE: I've spent the last few days doing some hardcore catching up on my TiVo, so now I just have "The Daily Show", "The Colbert Report", and "Chappelle's Show" on there. I was loaded with "Six Feet Under", "Heroes", "Friday Night Lights", and "30 Rock", but I took care of those.

IF YOU NEED SOMETHING TO BLOG ABOUT: Consider yourself tagged.

Things I am over

2006-12-12T09:11:00.000-06:00

1. "Studio 60 on Sunset Strip". The promos for this show had me super excited. It looked smart, witty, and fast. I was also very excited to see Matthew Perry in something that wasn't "Friends" or a stupid movie. The pilot episode came and went, and I was bored the whole time. I thought the sketches for the show within the show were not funny, and some other things were lacking. But I wrote it off as the episode that sets stuff up. I was willing to forgive it. Then, I watched every week after that, and the same thing was happening. Stuff that was supposed to be funny just wasn't. There was an instance where it seemed like there was going to be a good storyline regarding plagiarism, and then they resolved it so neatly within the same episode. UGH! This is where I started calling it "Studio Suxty on Suckset Suck". After about three episodes, I watched it just so I could bitch about it, but now I'm over it. I haven't watched it in weeks, and I can say without hesitation that "Studio 60" is a lousy show. Don't try to sway me because it ain't happenin'.

2. 70-degree weather in December. Actually, if I were in San Diego, I'd be singing a different song. I love everything about that city. I especially love the crisp, cool air coming off of the ocean. But I am not in San Diego. I am in Louisiana, which, I guess, should be excuse enough for the 70-degree weather, but I'm not having it. We've been freezing cold for extended periods before. I want that. It's part of what makes me think that it's Christmas time. The heat and wet, humid air do not trigger the festive parts of me to wake up from hibernation. It doesn't feel like Christmas with this yucky, mucky weather.

3. People, i.e., my grandmother, telling me that I can't stay out all night. Two words: I'm thirty. Three more words: I'm not stupid.

4. My target store not stocking San Pellegrino Aranciata at this time. I NEED MY ARANCIATA!!!

5. Lame movies taking up all of the theaters at the cinema. These are the movies wasting space at our theater that I will never see because I am a movie snob: The Holiday, Unaccompanied (spelled unaccompained on the movie website) Minors, Deck the Halls, Deja Vu, The Nativity Story, The Santa Clause 3: the escape clause, Turistas, Van Wilder Deux: rise of Taj.

Here is the much shorter list of movies I might see if I'm really hard-up: Apocalypto (but honestly, seeing a Mel Gibson-directed movie is akin to my ever again watching a Tom Cruise film. I can't abide certain levels of crazy.) and Blood Diamond (This one just doesn't appeal to me. I have no interest in seeing it.).

Movies I have already seen that I would watch again because I liked them: Borat, Casino Royale, and Stranger Than Fiction

The one movie left that I haven't seen but want to: Happy Feet. Does anyone want to go see that with me?

6. Flip phones.

7. Taco Bell. My friend, J, and I ate there so much the final weeks of school because it's super cheap and right next to the university. I can't eat there for at least the next six weeks.

8. My forehead hurting. I know I smacked my head really hard, but that was two months ago TODAY. I'm ready for it to stop hurting whenever I lift my brow.

9. Cafes making hot chocolate out of cacao syrup. GROSS!

10. Ebonics. When I was taking linguistics classes, I learned to forgive ebonics as a growing, thriving dialect of the English language. Well, I'm over that. It's one of the more ridiculous dialects spawned from English. Last night, I ran into the mall to pick up a CD, and on the way out, I was attracted by a shoe display outside of Journeys. That's where I heard someone aks, "How much they is?" I wanted to pimpslap her as I was in the perfect place and position to do so. But I refrained. Ebonics is stupid. There. I said it.

SOME EXTRA, FORGOTTEN IMPORTANT ADDITIONS
Reality television in all of its variations.

The new game shows would be one of those variations.

A few things

2006-12-11T10:20:00.000-06:00

WHEW! That semester is done and done! It got seriously crazy at the end and I didn't get to sleep a whole lot. Today was the first day in a long time that I got to SLEEP IN! Yep, I was a wild woman, sleeping in until 9:44.

I had finals right up until Friday afternoon, 3ish. It was the most disgusting finals week EVER! And I've had A LOT of finals weeks...more than should be allowed. Friday, I had the scariest test I have EVER had, and that includes the MCAT. So I guess that means I REALLY bombed that one. Right?! It was the neurology final, and usually the tests in that class weren't very scary. I got A's and high B's on them. I don't know; they just weren't that involved? Detailed? Something. But the FINAL! O!M!G! First of all, the material covered included cranial nerves, spinal cord tracts, brainstem tracts, brainstem nuclei, functions, entry/exit points, innervation, 100million other things. AND WE HAD TO KNOW IT ALL. Every trivial thing, every single nerve, nerve fiber, EVERYTHING. There were...my mind still reels from everything we had to know. There was a whole section that I knew NOT ONE THING on. Seriously, I left it blank. It was disgusting. I have no idea what grade I'm going to come out of there with now.

Finals week started off super extra crappy because I got the flu. I was throwing up violently Sunday night, and the next morning I was supposed to have taken that neuro final. I was supposed to have taken THREE finals (neuro, parasitology, and human physiology) that day, but three is the magic number that obligates a professor to allow you to take their final on another day. I moved parasit and human phys both to different days, which rocked, but the flu messed up my perfect plans. UGH!

Where has my No Doubt Gwen Stefani gone? Has anyone seen her? Could you please tell her to come back and kill this one if you see her?

I know I'm late on this one, but I'm seriously disappointed in Britney Spears. The world rejoiced when news of the divorce was out. We were all, "YESSS! The second coming of Britney is finally here!" And she just turned her back right 'round again and aligned herself with that Paris Hilton! If K-Fed was a parasite, Paris Hilton is a venereal disease. And you know what I'm talking about too.

Dear Britney,

No one wants to see your mommy hole. Go put on some panties and wear appropriate "climb out of Paris's car" attire. Then, dump Paris, go home to your children, and be a responsible mom and adult.

Love,
Kiki

Another thing I'm late on: telling you that "Friday Night Lights" is the best show on television right now. It's about more than high school football. It's about heart, loyalty, and honesty. You can watch all of the episodes for free here. Watch them.

I need to go somewhere. If anyone wants to donate frequent flyer miles and money to me, let me know.

2006-10-30T17:28:00.000-06:00

Guess who's got tickets to see Justin Timberlake.

2006-10-25T09:34:00.000-06:00

The other day at church, I passed a guy in the hall, and when he saw my head, he exasperated, "What did you do to your head?!" I told him the truth: I fell in the shower. Then I showed him the ugly gash picture. Not being confident in his manhood, apparently, he admonished me against showing that picture to other guys because it would make me look tougher than they.

I FELL IN THE SHOWER!!! I did one of the most old-lady things I can think of, for crying out loud!

Since that moment in church, I have thought of a couple scenarios that would and should make a man feel like a little girl had these been the cause of my headwound, which I just named Marvin McScarvin about 20 minutes ago. I just made that name up. It's an original.

Okay. Scenario #1 that would turn a macho man to a life of buying hairwax and forming his hair into a faux-hawk on a daily basis:

During the closing minutes of the Seventh Annual Konichiwa Ironman Tae Kwon Do Invitational championship, my opponent cut open my head with his grotesquely long, and later ruled illegal, toe nail while attacking me with a spinning kick. Blinded by the blood flowing down my face, I went through my entire repertoire of attacking maneuvers. He didn't know what hit him, and neither did I. All I know is I was declared the winner. Then I got stitches.

Scenario #2 that would cause even the manliest and most Tobiest of Keiths to stick something, i.e., not his boot, up someone's hind end, if you know what I mean. (Was that too inappropriate?):

There I was, sitting in a tree, listening to the leaves crackle under hoof of a yet unknown beast. Seconds later, a majestic 12x13 elk walked out of a clearing directly below the branch I was sitting upon. Having taken hold of my nerves, I dropped from the branch onto the elk's back. I gripped my massively buff arms around his neck and wrestled him to the forest floor. I slipped around his neck, and that's when he nicked me with his antlers. He shook me off, but he was careless and left part of his body vulnerable. You know the part! So I rammed my foot as hard as I could against his "elkhood", and his head fell off. He lay there, decapitated, dead. After ripping out his still-beating heart and eating it, I got up, threw him over my shoulder, and walked to my truck. Since I was going to pass by the hospital on my way home, I dropped in to see if I needed some stitches. I did.

But neither of those things happened, so take heart, boys. I just fell in the shower.

Day 10: a scar is born. HA!

2006-10-21T09:46:00.000-06:00

"One Person Show"

2006-10-19T15:04:00.000-06:00

That's what my professor said about the photographs from the second set we turned in that were displayed in the hallway today. Only six were mine, but I had more than anyone else. I'm still curious about why some are chosen and not others. I should ask him one day after class. Here's what was on the wall today.

Delicious.

2006-10-15T15:13:00.000-06:00

This video of Tori Amos singing "Pancake" (with a bridge of Neil Young's "Ohio") in San Antonio in 2003 is amazing! It gets me so pumped up for her upcoming tour which totally hasn't even been planned or anything but I know it'll happen next year!!!

P.S. Molly Knight made me a very happily fed addicted girl by sending me the mp3 to that. Here it is.

Day 3 in the Aftermath of Hitting the Tub with My Face

2006-10-15T13:00:00.000-06:00

Coming of Age

2006-10-12T22:01:00.000-06:00

Now that I'm 30 years old, I've taken up doing old lady things. For example, I eat dinner earlier in the day. I watched an episode of "Columbo" this afternoon. I have bought materials to take up knitting. I slipped in the tub this morning and split my forehead open. I suck on cheap hard candy. I have a cat. I am SO on my way to becoming an old lady, right? All I'm missing is a shawl (which is why I'm taking up knitting, honestly), an affinity for painting ceramics and playing bingo, and those sticky, tacky flower stickers that old ladies put on the bottom of their tubs so they have more traction so they don't slip and fall in the tub and subsequently split their heads open. Because not having those stickers results in stuff like this:

And that is the result of this, which is REALLY the result of not having old lady shower flower stickers in your tub:

*Photo taken by my favorite not-at-all-gay male nurse, Michael. (Because being a male nurse does not equal being gay.)

That picture looks like it hurts because it hurts.

Here are my various stories I've been sharing with people as to how that happened:

"I fell in the shower...where I keep my axe." (Gracias, Azucar.)

"The take-home lesson is that you shouldn't drink while taking a shower."

"I fell in the shower. In my defense, there were six other people in there with me, and I tripped over one of them. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt."

I really just fell in the tub. I didn't lose consciousness. I got up, felt the blood flowing down my face, grabbed my towel to stop the bleeding, cleaned myself up a bit, got dressed, and went to the kitchen to tell my g-ma that I probably needed stitches. (I hadn't seen the wound by this time.) So she called my mom and made me an ice pack. It hurt like hell, and every muscle in my body was tensing up to do their part in making the hurt go away. They are horrible at their job. They're still horrible at their job. My face is very, very angry at something right now, and I know this because the nerves in my face are screaming. Also, my face is becoming discolored. I'll keep you updated.

A History of My Birthdays

2006-10-02T00:52:00.000-06:00

1st birthday: I'ma take a stab at this one. My parents and some other relatives probably sat around and laughed as I waded through cake. My parents opened some presents that I don't remember getting. They were probably clothes and toys.

2nd birthday: See first birthday.

3rd birthday: I think this is the one where I had a party and got this fun Playskool playset with a slide and hiding place and my cousin bit me. Also, I ate cake and got messy.

4th birthday: I turned 4.

5th birthday: There was a piñata involved. And probably some cake.

6th birthday: I remember very vividly listening to Nancy Reagan speak during President Reagan's radio address to the nation on federal drug policy. She said, "I've heard time and again of children with excellent grades, athletic promise, outgoing personalities, but who, because of drugs, became shells of their former selves." That speech changed my life.

7th birthday: I burned my arm on the cake pan because I was so excited about eating cake. Obviously, we ate cake. The party was held at the skating rink because that's what you do when you turn seven. I busted my ass during the second round of Limbo.

8th birthday: I got baptized because I'd obviously come to the age where I knew right from wrong, which is how Mormons roll. Unlike some, Mormons believe that we "will be punished for [our] own sins and not for Adam's transgression". I think I really liked Strawberry Shortcake at this point in my life. No...that was my sister. So that means that I probably had a Care Bear party. Of course! That's what it was because that was my nickname.

9th birthday: Slumber party! We made crank phone calls that we thought were hiLARious!!! OMG! And they probably consisted of fake crying while asking if the person on the other end of the phone knew where our mommy was. Also, we were big into the "Do you have olive oil in a bottle? Well...you better go let her out!! *HAR HAR! SNORT!*" We had ice cream cake. I HATE ice cream cake.

10th birthday: Another slumber party. When you're 9, 10, 11, is there any other kind of party to have? I was on crutches because my mom, my sister, and I were involved in a heinous car accident a month and a half earlier. My ankle was busted up pretty badly. There was a "tragedy" involving water balloons and a bunch of us girls who were all decked out to go eat pizza, so my mom took us to the store to buy toilet paper. It was my first TPing experience. We got busted hard!

11th birthday: Again with the slumber party. I'm pretty sure I had slumber parties well into my freshman year of high school. I think this was the party where we rented "Risky Business" and neither I nor my mom had any idea what that was about. You could call it my "awakening" year. We had cake. Chocolatey, moist, delicious, sexy Tom Cruise cake.

12th birthday: S.P. Pizza. "Nightmare on Elm Street 1, 2, and 3". Screaming. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Cake.

13th birthday: Talked about that one girl all night long and about what a B-I-T-C-H she was. This may or may not have been the year when I thought it would be the coolest thing ever to sleep outside in the tent.

14th birthday: The girls and I hopped into "The Party Wagon" 10 deep, and my mom took us to the fair. This was before I hated country music, of course, so we shrieked "I got friends in low places where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away." We all completely knew what Garth was talking about, being drunkards our own selves. Funnel cake.

15th birthday: I'm pretty sure I was driving around in my dad's truck because when I was 15 we could get our licenses. No, wait...I failed the writing test that day, so reverse that. I was probably just eating cake. But the next night? AW, YEAH!

16th birthday: HOMECOMING GAME! PIZZA! SPENT THE NIGHT SOMEWHERE!

17th birthday: Oh, we were so sophisticated by this point. My girls and I got all dressed up. We went to The Olive Garden. We were such mature seniors, and we were having mature conversation. They tried to convince me that I should order a cocktail and that the server would give it to me because it was my birthday and they were all already 18. One of the girls ordered and Irish Creme Coffee and held her pinky out. I have always thought that she was such a snob.

18th birthday: It was my first birthday at college. I started my college career at Utah Valley State College, so I lived in an apartment complex with people who were 3, 4 and more years older than I. (If I had been a student at BYU, I would have lived in the dorms with other freshmen.) It was a blast. Some friends dressed me up in ridiculous garb, and they drove me all over town. I screamed, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! DO YOU THINK I'M HOT?!" to many people. I was blindfolded the entire night. I sang "Happy Birthday" to myself in Movies 8 in Provo and also in Carousel, a large ice cream parlorish place. (Those were two of the busiest places in Provo.) It was the night before my birthday because my actual birthday that year was on a Sunday, and Mormons don't do anything fun on Sundays.

19th birthday: I'd become cultured over my first year in some place that wasn't Monroe, Louisiana, so we went to eat at my favorite restaurant, Bombay House. (For those Monroyans reading this, that's Indian food. I'm just yankin' your chain. You know I love you.) We also did something very BYUish: we went up the canyon, had a bonfire, roasted marshmallows after eating cake, sang songs, and quoted quotables.

20th birthday: My best friend framed my favorite print of a painting of Jesus (No, not by Greg Whatshisface!), and then some of us went to eat at Bombay House because that's where I'd eaten everyday for the previous two years.

21st birthday: This happened almost three weeks before I was to leave to go on my LDS Mormon Church mission. I was home in Monroe. I was depressed because I wasn't spending it with my best friends at Bombay House. Instead, I went to my high school's homecoming game then I went with my parents to eat at Red effing Lobster, which I hated, but whatever I was depressed I don't even feel like using punctuation marks We had cookie cake.

22nd birthday: I was in San Diego on my LDS Mormon Church mission. I woke up to a bajillion messages from my mom on my phone. Shhh...don't tell. She had my number because my best friend (see 20th birthday) had died a few months previously, and I was still living in the same place as I was at that time. So I was depressed because I wasn't with my best friend at Bombay House. But The Work was good!

23rd birthday: BOMBAY HOUSE! Lots of free Kheer!

24th birthday: This birthday did not suck, as previously reported. I've remembered what really happened. My favorite dancer of "The Pony" threw a birthday party for me in Logan, Utah, with a bunch of people from my LDS Mormon Church Mission. We went to her family's cabin, ate dutch oven pizzas, and made merry. I love her!

25th birthday: I had grand visions for the rockingest birthday ever, but my roommates wouldn't help me do anything. So I ended up going to eat dinner with some of my favorite friends from my freshman year who had recently returned to BYU as professors. (I told you everyone I knew that year was 3+ years older than I! And actually, one of the friends at dinner had never left Provorem. She was always there for me!)

26th birthday: SUCKED! I was in France. By myself. In P-ville. All alone. I went to see "The Pianist" (of ALL movies! How depressing!) in the town cinema. Around midnight Central France Time, I called my parents for my birthday. J'ai mangé du gâteau.

27th birthday: I'm pretty sure I just went to Outback with the family and had that brownie sundae thing. YUM!

28th birthday: Now this is where I'm going to deviate a bit because it's just going to be depressing if I tell you what I did on my actual birthday. So I'm going to tell you of one of my celebrations. Laura Llew and I went to Atlanta to see the Pixies in concert...TWICE! We ate Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake. Yes, it deserves to be capitalized.

29th birthday: Again with the deviating...Laura Llew hosted me for a few days. We watched bad dating shows, and we went to see Tori Amos in concert

~~30th birthday~~ 28 2.0: Um...I think I just want to watch "Heroes" and "Studio 60" and let this one pass by unnoticed. Also, I think I'm going to start counting backwards, so...

***Some events are complete fabrications because I don't really remember what happened at every birthday, although, events surrounding my birthday keep certain ones vivid in my mind.***

2006-09-26T15:58:00.000-06:00

These are the other photographs that were chosen to be displayed:

Today, a couple of classmates and I were asked to stay behind. Our professor told us that he was particularly impressed with our photographs and our tests that we took last week and that he wanted us to consider taking photographs at the university theater productions and symphonies, recitals, and other music stuff. He also wants us to become very familiar with the darkroom and Adobe Photoshop. All of that sounds exciting to me. Good times.

2006-09-19T15:50:00.000-06:00

So, I'm taking a photography course. I thought it would be an easy A. You know: you go to class, listen about famous photographers, learn why they're famous (they're design, use of light, subject matter, content, etc.), learn to employ similar things in your own photography, learn to print, learn what f-stops and aperture and such mean, take a bunch of pictures, turn them in, make A's on the tests. Easy as pie! Right? Wrong! When we merely do the assignments (36 pictures every 3 weeks), we get a flat C (70/100). We build from there. Every one of our photographs that gets displayed in the hallway garners us 4 more points. So to get a flat A (90/100), we have to get 5 pictures displayed. That's a LOT!

Before today, I thought our teacher had told us that if we were to get anything posted in the hallway, we would get an A; if it was posted in the classroom, we would get a B. I was feeling really good because I got FOUR pictures posted out in the hallway, and there were only 5 bulletin boards with about 10 pictures each attached. 4/50 seems AWESOME considering there are about 32 people in all enrolled in the photography sections. But before we saw our grades, he explained the above flat C/4 points per displayed photo thing. I started feeling antsy. I only had 86 points if all that was going to be displayed was already up. But I got an A! They chose 6 of my pictures to display. I don't know what 2 of them are yet, but here are the 4 that are in the hallway for the entire world that passes through those halls to see.

This is how it was displayed.

I'm excited to see what else was chosen because when I saw some of the above, my immediate reaction was, "Huh. I wonder why they chose that instead of [some others I was thinking were better]." If you want to see what else I turned in, you can go to my flickr page and check them out. We have very specifically general things that we are to photograph. Nature designs, Man designs, Objects without any color (i.e., blacks, white, and grays are what we want, WITHOUT using the black and white camera option), Objects with one color (again blacks, whites, and grays can be in abundance, and then one color), Portrait, Portrait as symbol (subjective), Window-lit portrait, and, of course, any other pictures we want to take. I'm having a lot of fun, and it's a blast seeing my stuff displayed.

2006-09-14T22:17:00.000-06:00

I just found out today that my dad has been reading this, so you know what that means. Keep all sexual advances to a minimum. Or a maximum. That way we could smoke him out.

2006-09-12T16:02:00.000-06:00

I TOLD you she didn't look like a baby girl who wanted to die. She did not get put down today. She is spared for a while longer, which makes me happy because I love my baby girl. It also frustrates me because I will just have to do all of that emotional stuff another day. But, WHEW! She was out in the front yard when I drove up to my parents' house just now. And she's all plucky and stuff.

2006-09-11T23:03:00.000-06:00

Does this look like the face of a baby girl who wants to die tomorrow? Oh. It does? That is so not what I was seeing. I was seeing my Baby Girl, Mollie, who used to be spry and springy, then really lazy but really lovable. But, you're telling me that all good things come to an end. That sucks. I don't want to hear that right now.

Mollie and I used to play this game. It was called "Piss Dad Off," which isn't very hard to do. I mean, we didn't have to play this game to do that. How it works is Dad gets home from work and sits down in his chair, and I think we all know what happens a few minutes after Dad sits down in his chair. After he's been sitting for a few minutes and starts snoring, Mollie and I make eye contact. I stare at her intensely and then I crouch down in sort of an attack pose. Then she sort of does it, too, like in this picture. And then she barks and barks and barks. And HOO-BOY! Does Dad ever get P-I-S-T!! We played our last game of that tonight.

So, I guess I'll just go to bed now and go to class tomorrow and try to pretend it's not happening. Who am I kidding? I'm being the biggest baby right now. I already miss her.

A conversation from a few minutes ago:

2006-09-08T15:53:00.000-06:00

Kiki: OH NO!!!
Azucar: You missed the last cab?
Kiki: BRAD PITT WILL NOT MARRY ANGELINA!
Kiki: UNLESS EVERYONE CAN GET MARRIED TO WHOMEVER THEY WISH!
Kiki: OMG!
Kiki: WHAT WILL I DO?!
Kiki: I'M GOING BACK TO SLEEP BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY MY WORLD HAS SHATTERED INTO A MILLION TINY PIECES.
Kiki: DAMN YOU, BRAD! DAMN YOU!
Azucar: I just finished reading that and this was my reaction:
Azucar: *eye-roll*

But seriously, y'all, my biggest fantasy involves Brad and Angelina being MARRIED! How is that EVER supposed to happen now?! They'll be old and wrinkly before we let the gays marry, and who wants old and wrinkly? Ew!

2006-08-30T09:39:00.000-06:00

I come from a family that has generations of roots in the South, and I don't think I have to recall mounds of Southern history for you, e.g., slavery ---> racism, segregation, strict socioeconomic/racial divisions. Despite what anyone says, those things are still present in the U.S. Maybe segregation is against the law, but it still happens because of economics, education, and culture. And because of that separation, mostly between races, racism is brewing, and I think it is going to really bubble over sometime soon. What can be done about that, I don't know. There are many sociopolitical problems that I won't even begin to try to discuss. But there is one thing that I know must stop, and that is carrying on stereotypes.

Yesterday, I went to breakfast with my grandmother, and she was telling me about something she'd heard on the radio earlier in the morning. We have a radio personality who has a reputation for saying whatever is on his mind. He shares his thoughts as different characters; I'm not sure if this is to help him get away with the things he says. Yesterday morning he was talking about New Orleans and the reelection of Mayor Nagin (which I honestly think was a HUGE mistake, and I can't believe that THE PEOPLE HE HUNG OUT TO DRY VOTED HIM BACK IN!!!). And he was talking about the attitude and the behavior of the large black population there, and concluded his thoughts with "You can take them out of Africa, but you can't take the Africa out of them."

I have a low tolerance, even a hate, for ignorance, and that statement is the epitome of ignorance. I cannot believe that someone could say something like that on the radio and not get um...harmed later that day on his way home.

When I went to Senegal, West Africa, three years ago, I saw a lot of REAL poverty. Here we have homeless people, too, but the diffence between here and there is that we have programs to help anyone who needs it. People don't have to live on the streets here. In Africa, they don't have many programs to help people out, and off the top of my head, I can only think of international missions that offer things like medicine and the most essential nutrients to the people they can reach, i.e., the people who live in cities and easily accessible villages. Despite the poverty, I have never met happier, more loving, more accepting, more hospitable people in my life, EVEN in the South, which takes pride in its hospitality.

Maybe having pride in our hospitality is the problem. We are only as hospitable as our prejudice allows. We no longer invite the random stranger to eat dinner with our family. However, in Senegal, upon meeting ANYONE for the very first time, we would be invited to eat dinner with them in their home. It was likely they were only going to be eating rice and fish, and maybe there was only one fish to share among everybody, but they were happy to have less if it meant making us feel welcome.

Real jobs are scarce in Senegal, but it was rare to see someone out on the streets who wasn't working, even if all they did was sell bottles of peanuts that they'd roasted, peeled, and bottled themselves. Work was important to everybody; there were no freeloaders.

I have an idea of who the radio personality was picking on. There are many people in this country who survive on, and sometimes abuse, the welfare system, and many of those who receive the benefits of that system are black (but the majority of people receiving welfare are WHITE, people). Comparing the black people who abuse the system, as well as those who exhibit behaviors that are morally reprehensible, to the people I met in Africa is ignorant. The only thing African about most black people here is that we politically-correctly call them African Americans.

Saying sterotypical and highly racist things like, "You can take them out of Africa...," puts up a barrier between groups of people. It changes attitudes in negative ways. It destroys trust. It puts people on the defensive, where they will do whatever is instinctive to survive attack. It creates fighting words and wars. I don't think we need any more wars in this world right now, especially in our own communities. We have a moral responsibility to love one another, to build each other up, to watch what we say, to be part of this family of man that we and everyone else in this world belong to.

2006-08-30T08:44:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time, I would actually write stuff for this blog. I would spend a lot of time thinking about what to write and how to write it. But somewhere I quit doing that, and I started to just write little factual snippets that I can't imagine were fun for any of you to read even though the thing made me chuckle or cry or anger. I started writing anything just for the sake of writing something so that when you would come here to find something new to read, it was there. It would take you all of a minute to read it, and then you probably thought, "So what?" or "Next!" or nothing at all.

I apologize for being lame.

So from now on, I am no longer going to post for the sake of posting something. If I have nothing to say, I won't say it. You deserve more than random thoughts I have in the day. Accounts of random thoughts should AT LEAST contain whatever things led to the random thoughts so that reading a random thought could possibly be entertaining. This means that I may post even less often than I already do. Or maybe it means that I will be more diligent in doing this thing. Who knows? But I will give substance, by golly. Or maybe I won't. I'm not sure. What is substance? Anyway, there are so many other ways I could have told you that I am now "Kiki".

2006-08-29T21:10:00.000-06:00

I have a new name. This morning in my Human Physiology class, the professor announced that she was going to go through the roll of 80+ students so she could get the names we want to go by. I had never in my life seen this professor anywhere, and I know she doesn't know me from Adam. So I was sitting with my friends trying to figure out what I wanted to be called, and when she got to my name, I said, "Kiki". She asked, "With a C or a K?" "K", obvs. My friends were chuckling throughout the room. She probably picked up on it; regardless, that's my name for the rest of the semester...at least. Also, it makes me laugh.

I cannot let this day end...

2006-08-22T22:42:00.000-06:00

...until I say "Happy Birthday" to my redheaded girlfriend.

And here is my favorite of her songs, Sugar.

Um...

2006-08-15T16:13:00.000-06:00

This is pretty funny.

Making Sister Pearl

2006-08-12T15:55:00.000-06:00

Sister Pearl had to go talk about visiting teaching to the few Relief Society sisters who would go to something called "Visiting Teaching Luncheon" on a Saturday morning at 10AM . Sister Pearl is a southern woman with a BIG southern drawl. Her last name is Wiseman, and she was born a long time ago...sometime before the Great Depression. She's really well preserved. She's calls people precious and whispers, "Mercy!" after every yawn she makes.

The Monroe Ward Amazing Race

2006-08-11T23:34:00.000-06:00

Of course, my team won! We were called "The Mexicans". I made t-shirts. We rocked.

Watch out for that tall girl laying down the law in the forward position for the BYU Lady Cougars this Fall/Winter. I'm not that short. She's effin' tall! Also, I have a retarded look on my face.

The Cantaloupe Analogy

2006-08-11T23:14:00.000-06:00

To you, that probably looks like me deseeding a cantaloupe so I can eat it, but to me, it's what I want to do to myself when I have menstrual cramps. The cantaloupe is me, the seeds are my girly insides, the knife is a knife, and the spoon is this much larger spoon I have on stand-by in case things get ugly.

Private joke moment: Jan, this one's for you.

2006-08-07T17:36:00.000-06:00

Help me! A friend loaned me the DVDs of the first season of Veronica Mars because I hadn't ever watched the show, and now I can't stop watching it. It is 6:30 PM and I haven't gotten out of my pjs or the darkness of my room yet.

2006-08-05T00:16:00.000-06:00

That is a cat's paw, and that is a thumb on the cat's paw. My friend has a freak cat! It's the coolest thing ever!

2006-08-03T23:56:00.000-06:00

A few things:

1. Windfall is a boring show, but I can't stop watching it. Please help me. Jason Gedrick is the new Tylenol PM, but I fight through the sleep to watch the trainwreck that is this show. STOP CHEATING ON EACH OTHER ALREADY!!! THERE THEY GO AGAIN!

2. When I was in Montreal, I was walking by the store, Lush (handmade cosmetics) when I was pulled in by the pleasant aromas. I was intrigued and grossed out that most of the soaps there looked like loaves of roquefort, chevre, gruyere, and various other cheeses that would never enter my mouth because of the pungent taste. Then I found the skin care products. The shop girl massaged my hands with Sel Océanique and then loved them with Crème de Rêve. My hands were so smooth and smelled so pleasantly lavandered that I bought both things and rounded out the purchase with Battement Citronné for my feet and elbows. My skin is happy and recommends all three products, but buy them from the USA store.

3. I'm a pretty calm person. I think it's funny and sad when people get enraged over menial things. For example, I have a friend who has road rage issues. If he gets cut off or someone honks at him, he goes berzerk and starts honking and driving like a madman possibly scaring and putting into danger the lives of everyone in the car and on that part of the road. My philosophy on things like that is this: "No one was hurt. We're still alive. It happened. That guy's a moron. I'm over it. Look at that tree." I just don't see the point in turning into a raging lunatic over it. In fact, I think it's more idiotic than being cut off or honked at. Just breathe.

4. I am not excited about still being in the Young Women's presidency under my third president. I want out, but apparently, people go crazy judgemental on your ass when you say no to a calling. Who wants that?

5. I had a big scare today. When I seriously think about it, my favorite thing in this world is music, making my iPod a very important part of my life. As I walked out the door today, I grabbed my keys and my iPod. I set the iPod, we'll call him Marco, in his cradle and turned on the stereo. As I was waiting for the menu screen to pop up, I was shocked by a sad face that told me to go to the Apple support page. I did all of this crap it told me to do which was basically trying to restore Marco's settings. Nothing worked. So then I checked into how much it would cost to have it repaired because that was the next logical step per the site. Well, $280 can buy me a new iPod, and I would MUCH rather have Marco 2.0 than an expensively refurbished Marco. But I don't have that kind of do-re-mi right now, so I decided to look online to see what others had done in my situation; I can't be the only one to have seen the sad face of sorrow and pain. I found a recurring remedy. Some people had thrown their iPod in anger, dropkicked it, slammed it down, and other violent pitchings, and the results were a working iPod. Feeling I had no choice, I grabbed Marco, stood up, held him out with a straight arm, and dropped him to the floor. He bounced and made a painful noise. I winced. I pressed play. Marco is good as new.

6. Here is the song I can't get enough of right now, and I've played it nonstop on Marco since I "fixed" him this afternoon. Fiona Apple - I Want You (live Elvis Costello cover).m4a sung at VH1 Decades Rock Live Elvis Costello. It's hot!

7. I hate when I'm having a good conversation with a friend, he abruptly asks if he can call me back, and then HE DOESN'T CALL ME BACK. I STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY! CALL ME BACK, DUMBASS CRACKER!

8. I typed "ass" ~~two~~ three times in this post.

2006-07-21T08:31:00.000-06:00

I just want to let all of you know that I sat 5 feet away from Colin Firth on my flight from Toronto to Montreal the other day. As I was on the plane, I could not take a picture with my phone because the mean lady almost ripped my head off when she saw me switch it on. THE DOOR HADN'T EVEN CLOSED YET!!! AND he was off and running before I could ever turn it on after the landing. HE WAS RIGHT THERE! And he looks old without his make-up. And he has freckles all over his showing skin. And he holds the newspaper between his thumb and forefinger, using no other fingers. And he drinks cranberry apple juice. And he is hot even though he looks older. And his hair is lighter than I thought it was. I stared and drooled at home for 40 minutes. He busted me one time. I waved. He smirked. I blushed. Be jealous.

2006-07-10T00:12:00.000-06:00

L'amour à sens unique

Je dors dans son lit
Pendant qu'il est ailleurs,
Et quand je sens son odeur aux draps,
Je me demande si
Je tomberai jamais désamoureuse de lui.

2006-07-10T00:05:00.000-06:00

Dear David Caruso,

Please come to my house every night and read me bedtime stories. Yours is the most calming voice I have ever heard.

Love,
Carrie

Fortune cookie

2006-07-04T07:47:00.000-06:00

Okay, you know how for kicks and giggles you add "in bed" to the end of your fortune cookie fortunes? I got a really fun one last night. It said, "Your tongue is an ambassador." Hi. I'm Carrie, and I'm 12. Maybe one day I'll know the full meaning of that.

2006-06-30T20:48:00.000-06:00

Laura Llew just shared this and this with Carrie, and she's feeling sufficiently disturbed right now.

2006-06-30T20:26:00.000-06:00

Carrie is a sad girl today because a good friend, T from the "There Will Be Swearing" post, moved away today. Carrie and "T-bone", because of that "wonderful" and "glorious" biochemistry class, formed an ionic bond and were inseparable for the past four weeks. It was a boring, skulky day.

Carrie received a gift in the mail today from her Laura Llew. It's a dial thing called "Dial-An-Excuse" ("Because a bad excuse is better than no excuse"). Here are the excuses for Inappropriate Outburst:

Classic: Straw broke camel's back
Mundane: That time of month
Sob story: Went off medication
Extenuating: Just got bad news
Far-fetched: Birth canal flashback

Carrie's not feeling incredibly chatty, but she wants the world to know she survived biochemistry.

My on-going battle against commentators

2006-06-25T12:39:00.000-06:00

I hate when commentators bag on David Beckham. This one guy today was all, "I just haven't been impressed with Beckham. Blah, blah, blah. He just isn't blah, blah, blah." And then Becks curled a beautiful ball into the net. EAT IT, SUCKAH!

The setting: Senegal, 2003 NBA Finals

2006-06-23T11:21:00.000-06:00

Okay. I just thought of another really funny thing that I heard someone say during a game. When I was in Senegal in 2003 during the NBA finals, a bunch of us would cram into a hotel room late at night to watch the games. There was a French commentator and an American speaking French. His accent was horrible! AND THE BEST PART is that he translated American idioms into French. So someone blocked someone else's shot, and the commentator screeched out "PAS DANS MA MAISON!!"* It was hilarious! But the coup de gras was when some other player slam-dunked the ball over someone else and he growled, "S'IL VOUS PLAIT!!!"** We howled with laughter throughout the games. Good times.

*"NOT IN MY HOUSE!!"
**"PLEEEEASE!!!"

Watching World Cup play

2006-06-23T08:40:00.000-06:00

I know these commentators spend time thinking of really good analogies and new words and sayings to throw out there for the public to hear. "Take it to the house" is WAY old school by now. "Trickeration" is a word that's always confused me. Um...there are many, many others.

So, I'm watching the Spain v. Saudi Arabia game right now, and Spain just scored a goal. The Spanish radio guys are inches away from my commentators, and when they get excited, we can hear everything they say. So after the goal, they were going crazy and shouting "GOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL!!!" and other Espanish things. One of our commentators then said one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard: "If they ever find a cure for cancer, I want to see these guys celebrate it."

Although finding a cure for cancer would indeed merit huge celebration, that was just a really weird thing to say at a sporting event. Maybe if the commentators had been talking about how some famous player had cancer and was currently being treated, and that player was all bald on the sidelines, and people were hailing his name despite his state, THEN it would have been appropriate. But to just throw it out there where it doesn't belong, it's like...um...having nachos as a major menu option at the Irish pub and grill that I went to this week. It's kind of inappropriate, is what I'm saying.

2006-06-20T22:50:00.000-06:00

Preface: I AM NOT sad about this, so there is no need to feel sorry for me or concerned. I am, in fact, relieved because I've been so stressed and grumpy and unhappy and uncertain lately, and I attribute it to the things surrounding a certain test and application process. I was even in the best mood I've been in in months all day today.

I BOMBED THE HELL OUT OF THE MCAT! The good thing: I can write the most awesome 30 minute essay ever...two of the most awesome 30 minute essays ever, actually.

THERE WILL BE SWEARING

2006-06-13T08:19:00.000-06:00

I apologize for not having updated. I just haven't felt like it; haven't been really happy lately. The stress of school and future and family has hit me in a killing-me-softly way. I resent being in Louisiana now, and that's not an emotionally driven, untrue statement. I'm taking the hardest classes I've ever had, and I've had a lot of classes. People are constantly asking me if I've found out my MCAT scores yet, which question I absolutely HATE! because if you're not my parents or some of my closest friends, it's nobody's damn business. You know? And if you ARE my family, YOU WILL KNOW WHEN I KNOW FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!! GOOD GOD! @#$%^&! Filling out the medical school application is really stressful because of what a HUGE thing this is. I feel like my parents treat me like I'm 3 years old sometimes. For example, I was going to Dallas last weekend, and I was going to stay with a guy who is one of my best friends and whom I've dated and been in love with. He is not with women these days; there's been a shift in the sex who gets his attention. My father, playing the role of my bishop (Mormon spiritual leader), "strongly counseled" me not to go because he thought it "wouldn't do me any good". These kinds of things anger me because 1. do they not trust in the way they raised me? 2. if I DO make a mistake, it is MY mistake. 3. he has no idea what good it DOES do me to go and be with people who make me feel so good in between feeling like I'm being swallowed by the black hole that is everything else I do. I HAVE to go to Dallas and stay with him for my sanity's sake! and 4. I don't want to talk to my bishop. I want to talk TO MY DAD! I don't need the bishop to "strongly counsel" me about this. I'm not stupid! Now if my dad has concerns or questions or wants to know what goes down in Dallas, I INVITE HIM TO ASK ME AS MY GENTLE FATHER I KNOW AND LOVE AND IS GENTLE AND TRUSTS IN MY ABILITIES TO CONTROL MYSELF! Can you feel the earth-shattering roar that is rumbling inside of me? If I had the pipes, Louisiana would feel something akin to an earthquake and would hear something akin to the roar of the gaping jaws of hell if hell were a giant, enormous, evil, guttural bear. Also, what they would hear would be rated R.

A couple of really awesome things have happened lately, so let's leave that first paragraph behind now. Dallas... I had a splendid time with my harem of men. The first night, we went to the Botanical Gardens in Fort Worth for a Fort Worth Symphony concert. It was excellent. The only issue I had was with the speed they played the song "The Phantom of the Opera" (It was broadway themed). The girl who sang that had NEVER done all of those runs at the end at such a break-neck speed before. I was thoroughly impressed that she nailed it, especially that glass-shattering note at the end. It caused us to rise to our feet. It was that awesome. We sat at a table very close to the stage, and the weather was gorgeous despite 100 degree weather during the day.

Walking through the garden, we saw this thing that we think was a sort of artsy bench maybe? But it was in the shape of a human mammary gland. I may have been photographed doing something that would have been "strongly counseled" against, but I couldn't help myself. It was such a strange looking thing. If you are interested in seeing it, it is something that will have to be emailed to you if I deem you worthy of seeing it, and I probably do. So let me know.

We went back to R's house where I actually stayed because my boy, M, is in the process of selling his house. We all stayed up until 2ish talking and enjoying each other's company. I love being with them because it's so easy and enjoyable.

After we woke up the following morning, we went to eat and to look at really cute houses in a near-by neighborhood. And I found the little house that I want. It's only $510,000. It's adorable and yellow and in the midst of other cute houses in a quiet neighborhood near a killer shopping center. M and I then went to look around another shopping complex. We found ourselves wandering into Chanel where we found a pajama top (that you could find at any Mervyn's) that cost $630. I tried to take a picture of it with my phone, but that snooty shop lady from "Pretty Woman" came in and got all snooty about my taking a picture of it. We laughed at her.

We went to see a movie that was hilarious (Thank You For Smoking), and then we met up with R and his friends. We went to dinner at a Salvadorean restaurant where I ate the first pupusa I've had since my mission. It was delicious and divine and everything. A pupusa is best described as a stuffed corn tortilla. YUM! After dinner, we all migrated back to R's house where we sat in the hot tub and/or pool listening to horror stories about the houses R has owned...stuff about foundation repair and buckling houses. After the people who didn't belong at the house left around early morning, R, M and I sat outside drying off and listening to each others' iPods. We all found some good music that we don't own.

Sunday, we had a yummy lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. I was always a fan of lettuce wraps at P.F. Chang's and preached their deliciousness. Other people would just respond with, "That's because you haven't had TCF's lettuce wraps." I didn't think anything could be better than PFC's wraps. I was wrong. TCF has THE BEST, YUMMIEST LETTUCE WRAPS THE WORLD HAS EVER TASTED! And the presentation is beautiful; it made it difficult to dig in, actually. I "strongly counsel" you to try those some time soon!

We went to see "The Omen", which had its hilarious and boring moments. It was okay. After the movie was over, R introduced me to one of the most refreshing drinks I've ever had. It was a herbal, fruit tea from Starbucks: Tazo Passion Shaken Iced Tea, or something to that effect. It was delicious. We wandered into the Apple Store and played with the new notebook computers.

That's R, C, and M from L to R.

We chilled at R's house for a little while before I had to leave to drive back here. Thus ended my glorious, calm, happy, refreshing weekend.

Another awesome thing that has happened is that while I'm taking the hardest class ever right now (biochemistry), I have made a new friend. T is in my physics lab, and she was the TA for one of my very first chemistry classes. She was also in biochemistry with some of my other friends, and I know she knows her stuff. She has thrown her knowledge at me; she helps me know what to study for tests and she teaches me how to do problems and things we have to know how to do. Our class has 16 meetings (2 hours each) and 6 tests. We do not have time to spend a lot of time on anything, and we do not have time to go over everything. It's intense and insane to take this class in this situation. I am glad that T is so willing to help me with the class. I will never be able to repay her time and patience.

Last night after studying, T and I went to get pizza. She was the TA for the most intriguing chemistry professor in the department, a seemingly polite British man, for 2 years. She mentioned that she wasn't going to be doing that anymore, that his polite, English gentleman is just a façade, and told me what he's really like. She effectively ruined that fantasy I had. It was pretty funny, though.

So that's me right now. If anyone knows of anyone in biotechnology, could you tell them that I am in school right now for pre-medicine, that my classes are heavy in microbiology, that they need to hire me, and that they need to get me into a school that will waive out-of-state tuition, or any tuition for that matter, so I can finish this degree?

SEVENS

2006-05-23T10:24:00.000-06:00

7 things I want to do before I die:
Own an apartment along the Seine in Paris, preferably East Bank so my view is the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame de Paris, and everything else on that side of the river.
Learn Japanese
Travel Asia
Own multiple awesome cars
An entire Tori Amos tour
Live in NYC
Have sex in every state of the union

7 things I cannot do:
Speak a non-Indoeuropean language
Sit still through church meetings
Desire to sit still through church meetings
Go to "extra church" without a bad attitude (This would include any Saturday meetings, firesides, ward and stake correlation meetings, General YW/RS conference sessions.)
Miss an episode of 24 at it's regularly scheduled hour
Drink white milk or eat mayonnaise that is blatantly out there in all of its globby, gross, icky sounding glory. I can ingest mayo (AND MIRACLE WHIP...THEY ARE THE SAME!) only when used sparingly in chicken and tuna salad, if it is the base of really good ranch dressing, and in some amazing tartar sauce.
Touch raw meat. GROSS!

7 things that attracted me to my spouse (Okay, 7 things that WOULD attract me to my spouse if I had one):
His smile
The mischievous grin he gets when he knows what I'm thinking and wants to put my thoughts into action.
We have the same sense of humor. He knows exactly what will make me laugh.
His giddy laugh.
The way he wears his pants.
When he exerts his authority over my stubborness and pride (without being a total jerk, natch).
The way he strokes my hair.

7 things I look forward to every day
Driving
A phonecall to/from Becky, Yolande, Mark, or Jan.
Crossword puzzle
Going to the padres' house and getting love from my cat
Being with friends
Being with parents
Learning something new

7 books I love:
Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
The Harry Potter series by you-know-who
A Year in the Merde by Stephen Clarke
Les fleurs du mal by Charles Baudelaire
Dictionnaire des idées réçues by Gustave Flaubert
L'aventure ambigüe by Chekh Hamidou Kane
The OED

7 Movies I Could Watch Over and Over:
Amelie
Waiting for Guffman
Best in Show
This is Spinal Tap
Drop Dead Gorgeous
Galaxy Quest
Ghostbusters
and many, many more.

7 People From Whom I'd like to hear 7 Sevens of their own choosing if they can be bothered:
Llew
Ty
RACHELLLLLLL
M (in the comments if he must and desires)
Kristin
April
Merebuff

2006-05-07T22:10:00.000-06:00

"Yo momma's so fat, the horse on her polo shirt is real."

BOOOOO-URRRRRN!!!

"Yo Momma" cracks me UP! Also, I might be acquiring a slight crush on Señor Valderrama as a result of watching so much of it.

You might be a redneck if...

2006-05-05T18:48:00.000-06:00

...the only "decoration" in your wood-paneled living room is a stuffed bobcat.

I went to Arkansas today. Nuff sed.

A shout out to a favorite website!

2006-04-27T10:09:00.000-06:00

If you're putting together a list of beautiful people, you automatically lose all credibility if Kirstie Alley makes it on. It'd be like making a list of healthiest foods and putting chocolate covered pizza as number three. Mmm...how about ganache coverd pizza? Everything is better in ganache!

What is wrong with this sentence?

2006-04-26T20:19:00.000-06:00

This is from a caption in our Monroe newspaper today:

Susan Wilson explains how she fought back after falling victim to a video voyeur during a 4th Judicial District Attorney's Office program honoring crime victims and survivors blah, blah, blah.

If you read that the way I read that, then that's pretty ironic. But why was a video voyeur video-voyeuring at such a program? Shouldn't he be taping...say...a massage parlor? Oh wait...we've got one of those guys, too.

Also, COME TO LOUISIANA! We are number 1 in the national murder rate ranking!

Copyright 2006

2006-04-24T14:16:00.000-06:00

While chatting with a friend about my "emo boys/bois" observation, I coined a new term: hEMOsexual. "EMO" has to be capitalized like that in the middle of the word, because sex with blood is not sexy or fun to talk about. That's just really gross.

One more thing...

2006-04-24T09:45:00.000-06:00

I forgot to tell you that during the concert and while he was playing with his cellphone, Ben called William Shatner so we could sing "Happy Birthday" to him. The first two digits of Bill's phone number are 81, so for all of you Shatner fanatics, there's a jumping off point for you.

It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp

2006-04-23T23:45:00.000-06:00

Tonight marks my failed first attempt at being a pimp. A friend in need of some "stress relief"* asked me for some recommendations, and I texted my boy, E. I asked him if he had a girlfriend, and then I told him the situation. I got a call from an unknown number thinking he had something to do with it, so I answered it and didn't recognize the incredibly fake, hick accent on the other end of the phone. Then later I got a call from E's supposed girlfriend. Apparently, she was really offended by my suggestion. Maybe I am evil for pawning him off to a friend in need, but Jamie, he is no angel.

*For Mormons, that means a lot of sucking face and not going any further lest they incur the wrath of God and a one-way ticket out of BYU if they attend that university, which...these players do.

Ben Folds, the MCAT, and Freedom

2006-04-23T21:37:00.001-06:00

Thursday, I was really starting to feel the stress well up inside. I wasn't going to go see Ben Folds play the following night because I knew I needed my rest for MCAT day. But Thursday night, I got little to no sleep. The sleep I did get was invaded by equations. I had dreams...no...nightmares where I was writing, erasing, and rewriting equations on a blackboard. I guess it's good that I knew the equations, but that was ridiculous.

So Friday morning, when I got out of bed, I made the decision. I was not going to sit anywhere and do nothing all day long. I got up, went to a movie with my parents, and headed to Ruston where I waited for hours with other crazy fans to see Ben Folds. I love him. I had seen him in concert once before (when he opened for Tori a couple of years ago, natch), and he was so charismatic. I fell in love.

The first 500 through the door Friday night got wristbands that allowed us to be on the floor. Because I'm getting to be an old geezer, I quickly found the closest seat on the floor perimeter with the best view. His opening act, Chris Mills, SUCKED! I don't know who he is or where he came from. He feigns a larger-than-life stage presence, but he didn't fool me. The only thought I had for 25 minutes was "Who the eff are you, and why has no one told you your songs are awful?!"

Dear Chris,
You are awful, and you do not have the reputation to swagger and bounce around the stage like that and get away with it.

No love,
Carrie

During the break between douchebag and Ben Folds, I got to observe some "emo boys". I took some crappy pictures for you. This first one was of a little pow-wow of the "emo boys". I would like to take this moment to declare, "Death to emo androgyny!!" I'm so confused. Are they gay? Are they straight? Are they asexual? I don't know. I saw one of them kiss another girl, but does that mean anything? I don't know.

Here is one of those "emo boys", or should it be "emo bois"? Again...I don't know. It's all a mystery to me. I seem to remember hearing some emo song where the singer was a boy singing about kissing boys. I'm just sayin'. Anyway, is this guy kidding me?! What is with the painted-on jeans? I was fascinated by it. I couldn't stop staring. I couldn't stop asking myself, "Why?" OH! AND to top it all off, he had a cheap, vinyl piano keyboard belt wrapped around his frail waist. I went solo to the concert, but that did not stop me from banding with a group of strangers in fervent agreement that the belt was definitely the cherry on top of that couture sundae. Other agreements: "Emo boys/bois" are a strange species, and he DID just grab that other boy/boi's butt.

Now, on with the show. Ben came out with a band. The first time I'd seen him, he was solo because, we learned later in Friday's concert, he was too poor to have a supporting band. So this was exciting because now we could really raise the roof, and boy/boi, did they do that! He played a bunch of his popular songs before he went into a very gentle and sweet cover of Dr. Dre's "Bitches Ain't Shit". It was hilarious listening to them sing, IN HARMONIES, that song because it is possibly the dirtiest song ever. Some girl flung her bra at him with a song request written on it ("Not the Same") and the message, "I need this back." I yelled "Rock this Bitch", and he played that. He remembered that he'd spent 15 bucks earlier in the day on ringtones for his phone, and he sent someone to get his phone so he could show us the ringtones he bought. One was "Final Countdown" by Europe. I wasn't familiar with the other ringtones except for that stupid Toby Keith song. Hopefully, he downloaded that one because he thinks it's the most absurd song ever written. There was a lot of banter between him and us. It was one of the most fun concerts I'd ever been to.

The best thing about going to the concert is that it took my mind off of the MCAT. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! I went home and went straight to bed keeping focused on the fun time I had had. I slept like a brick until my alarm went off at 6:30, at which point I showered and choked down stuff that I would never eat for breakfast. (Boiled egg on toast and blueberries in my yogurt...ew...I hate blueberries!)

When I got to the testing place, we waited outside until about 8:15 to be checked in and seated. While waiting, we all looked like we were about to throw up on each other. It turned out to be and 8 hour and 45 minute day. The most annoying part was listening to the same set of instructions four times read by humorless women. By the fourth time, I was like, "[B-word], I know where to write my name!" (Say it again, all hard, like a gangsta.) The most absurd instruction we received was "Do not attempt to memorize the test." Like I've got that kind of time! The test was okay. The physical sciences part seemed easier than usual. The verbal reasoning and writing portion are the easiest sections ever. And the biological sciences section seemed harder than usual. So, I don't really know what to say when someone asks me how it went. "It seemed easy, ridiculously easy, and hard, but I don't trust my feelings when it comes to tests."

So, I'm glad it's over. I feel so light and free now. It's amazing and wonderful. WOOHOO!!!

MCAT EVE

2006-04-21T06:34:00.000-06:00

I think tonight is going to be much like the Christmas Eves of my youth: lots of mind-racing, little sleep, and possibly a nervous stomach.

Moving on.

2006-04-20T13:25:00.000-06:00

For about three years, I listened to Tori Amos almost exclusively. I love Her music. I love Her. Every time anyone took the earbud out of my ear or took a ride in my car, She would be singing. Every once-in-a-while, I put someone else on to please the other people I associated with. It didn't make me happy because I really wanted to be listening to Tori. Former love affairs I'd had with bands were forgotten and left behind. She got all of my attention. Well, I've finally broken the addiction. Of course, I still love her and she is still my number one, but I have come to a point where I listen to other people. I even have love affairs with them. So let me tell you what else I'm playing right now.

Rilo Kiley - "Execution of All Things"
Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins - "Rabbit Fur Coat"
Stars - "Set Yourself on Fire"
The Cardigans - "Super Extra Gravity"
Fiona Apple - "When the Pawn" and "Extraordinary Machine"
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - "Show Your Bones"
KT Tunstall - "Eye to the Telescope"
Charlotte Martin - "On Your Shore" and "Veins"
Wilco - "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot"

Further proof that I have broken my Tori addiction: Last night I changed the sacred ringtone on my phone from Her "Professional Widow" to Rilo Kiley's "Portion for Foxes".

I CANNOT stress this enough. These changes and new loves DO NOT mean that Tori isn't still my number one. SHE IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE SO. And She's also the hottest. So there you go.

Profundity from Geraldo Rivera

2006-04-19T10:40:00.000-06:00

"You know, it's not always the nuns that get raped; sometimes it's the strippers that get raped."

You're welcome.

Carrie's War on Flowers

2006-04-17T09:53:00.000-06:00

Flonase tastes like flowers, and flowers taste really bad! Have you tried flowers lately? ICK! I'm at war with flowers and other blooming things like trees and grass and cats (if cats were to bloom) because they have pollen which does not agree with any part of my head. I thought I'd reached the height of sucky allergies last week when I had to buy eyedrops, for crying out loud! EYEDROPS! FOR ALLERGIES! But I was wrong. Last night, my throat started hurting pretty badly, and any sore throat feels like knives sliding gently with evil glee down my respiratory tract, namely the pharynx, larynx, and trachea (the correct order of anatomical structures following the nares). There is no other pain that will make me cry like a baby, and I've broken multiple bones and have been punched in the nose. I was up all night wishing I had a jar of honey that I could have poured down my throat and pretending I had the guts to cut out my throat. At 2 AM, I thought about going to Walgreens to get a bottle of chloroseptic to pour down there, but that stuff's really bad for you. So, I suffered and planned to get up early this morning to go to the doctor's office. Normally, I'd stick it out, but since the MCAT is on Saturday, I figured that this isn't the week to be sick. I got a shot in the butt and a full medicine cabinet. Here is a picture of my battle wound dressing from my War on Flowers. I swear there is a dot of blood on there somewhere!

And here is my arsenal to defend, rather...to offend, in my War on Flowers:

I think I'm going to be okay, but I really want to get rid of the flower taste in my mouth.

Shout Part 2

2006-04-12T23:41:00.000-06:00

My mom showed me this t-shirt in a store circular today. I couldn't resist buying it for him.

Pop quiz!

2006-04-12T23:21:00.000-06:00

The scene in this picture is:
A. Davis' impression of Scott Stapp
B. Davis' impression of Jesus on the cross
C. Aren't those the same thing?
D. No.

Davis goes to daycare at a church, and since this week is Easter, they've been learning about Jesus' death and resurrection. Davis acted the story out for us.

2006-04-09T22:39:00.000-06:00

FFF = Fabulously Foxy Friend, AKA Triple F.

2006-04-03T18:58:00.000-06:00

Je mange de la poutine.
Tu manges de la poutine.
Il/Elle/On mange de la poutine.
Nous mangeons de la poutine.
Vous mangez de la poutine.
Ils/Elles mangent de la poutine.

We'll stand and deliver Be strong and laugh and Shout, shout, shout, Shout at the devil

2006-04-02T00:19:00.000-06:00

The coolest 3-year-old I know!

2006-03-24T19:16:00.000-06:00

Last weekend, we had non-stop rain from early Saturday morning until Monday afternoon. When I woke up Sunday and found that it was still raining, I decided that it would be a heathen Sunday, meaning going to church was no where in the cards. I was playing on my computer and in a really goofy mood when I made this video. I won't map out the line of thinking that led to it. Enjoy.

2006-03-23T16:36:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that Chris from American Idol should sing something from Live, and I just realized today that the rendition of "I Walk the Line" that he sang the other night was Live's cover of that song. I would have preferred the way more rockin' "I Alone", but I'll take it.

2006-03-23T15:58:00.000-06:00

A morbid photo essay, if you will. As with most things I do, this was done on a whim.

2006-03-22T11:58:00.000-06:00

My friends, Laura and Ben, and I sorta started a new weekly tradition where we all get online to watch American Idol "together". On instant messenger we make comments and crack each other up. (Ben and Laura are a couple, and they enjoy the companionship of Laura's dog, Flannery.) Since I've been so busy with school, not much has been happening, so I haven't written much up here. You get a little bit (but hellalong...it WAS 22 pages of text) of that conversation. If you watch AI, you probably had some of these same thoughts last night. Enjoy.

L: LE START!
C: YAY
B: AI time
B: woohoo
B: seacrest IN
C: oh...doesn't he look dapper tonight?!
L: We're going to have to wade through Ben's homerotic Crest fantasies now
C: TELL ME MORE!
B: first i smother him in insta-tan
B: then he goes on american idol
L: His hair is very military tonight
C: no, they don't allow gays in the military.
L: but they let military in the gays
L: I'VE HEARD THE RUMORS.
B: it's not gay if you're not the one who's the woman
L: I like the thought of Chris at my mercy
B: who is chris you tart!
C: i like the idea of calling mandisa "manchild". i don't know why.
L: oh my hokey, in that outfit Taylor looks like one of those little old ladies with purple hair
C: don't get me started on taylor.
B: who is CHRIS!?!?!
L: the bald one
C: the bald guy we all want to win.
L: what's the theme tonight? do we know yet?
C: HEART!
L: For reals?
L: Because I love Heart but I might cry if Kevin does them
B: you don't hear me talking about kelly pickler
L: Did Paula just get her who/whoms correct? Color me impressed
B: i'd like to pickler her.. ahahaha
C: HUH?!
C: you are dirty.
L: There's a reason Ben and I are sitting on opposite sides of the room
L: With Flannery in between us
L: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
C: oh PLEASE GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
L: Not the Manilow!
C: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
L: YOU LIED TO ME!
L: And now I want to cry!
C: WHY, GOD, DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?!
C: (expletive)!
C: i was just kidding about the heart thing.
L: Why don't they call the theme nights what they are. It's not Barry Manilow night. It's gay guy with bad hair night. Elliot will rule!
C: (EXPLETIVE)!
C: okay, did you just think that clay aiken is barry manilow? they look exactly alike.
L: it makes me giggle
L: you're on to something
C: did manilow get hit in the face so hard that it was deformed?
B: lol
L: hahaha, Mandisa is all - I don't know nothing about that white guy
C: for reals, yo
B: if it were up to him she'd open big
B: this is the girl
C: manchild is going to rule tonight.
L: I relate to Manchild
L: because I have the shelf for the behind thing too. Normal from the front and then side or back view = woah.
C: i like the hair tonight.
L: Oh wow, I love this. This is Manilow? It rules when she does it
C: no...she said it was someone else. manilow may have written it, though?
L: yeah, I heard her say Diana or Donna or something and was confused. But I really like it.
L: I feel like I should be wearing a poodle skirt and crying into a milkshake
C: mandisa is very pretty.
L: She is. Ben makes fun of me when I say I think she's foxy
C: she's gorgeous.
C: i love her hair tongiht
L: did Paula just call Manchild a horse?
L: BLOSSOMING sounds naughty when Simon says it
C: i missed the horse comment.
B: stripper song!!!
C: simon's wearing a white tee tonight?
L: that's a long sleeve white shirt pushed up to show his GUNS
C: NO, RYAN! NOT MANDIVA! MANCHILD!
L: Oh I didn't notice the sleeves of her dress. How saucy!
L: Her dress looks all bunchy around the stomach and somehow makes her bust look small - it's just odd.
C: i love the commercial with the fingerpainting cat making the pie chart.
B: (commercial): “WHAT KINDA JOB DO YOU HAVE NEEEGRO”
C: NO SHE DI'N'T!
B: OH HEEEEEYAAALLLL NO
B: just pointing out some of the interesting cultural differences
C: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…music from the 50s coached by barry....that is so much better.
L: Ok, I love this song. If Bucky sings it, I WILL CRY
C: i hate bucky.
B: booo bucky!
L: I need tissues.
C: PLEASE, AMERICA, DO THE RIGHT THING!!!
C: at least he doesn't have the jessica simpson hair he had last week.
C: this song sucks.
L: THE REAL ONE DOESN'T! HE'S MASSACRING BUDDY HOLLY
L: HOW CAN THIS BE LEGAL
C: it's really weak.
L: SOMEONE STOP HIM
L: * crawls under the desk and whimpers*
B: they are turning the volume down.. i swear
C: i hate that twirl-the-mic thing he does.
B: they just f up the dials on the soundboard
B: and make excellent people like bucky lose
C: and also, he's wearing double denim.
C: SHUT UP, RANDY!!!!!!!!!!
B: you don’t
B: talk
B: to king DAAAWG like that
L: it's like - he doesn't have a best vocal
C: thank god! a voice of reason...simon!
L: Hush it up, Paula
C: "nothing more than a pointless kareoke performance."
C: paula is useless.
L: NO ONE LOVES YOU, BUCKY
C: "People love you, Bucky. People love you."
C: I think he's trying to get out of the trailer park, isn't he? Does he care if those people love him?
B: im smart enough.. and strong enough.. to sing on teeveee
L: Bucky's eyebrows are too dark
C: that GRILL!
C: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (paris is singing “fever”)
L: PEGGY LEE
C: THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!!!!!
L: DEAR PARIS, I HEART YOU! LOVE, LAURA
C: i LOVE that paris is singing this.
L: someone make [Manilow] SHUT IT UP
L: she’s very squeakytastic
L: and then the voice makes you QUIVER
C: why does barry wear shirts that make him look like he has no neck?
C: i love her outfit, too.
C: she is so good on stage when she has a great song.
L: sorry, i'm mesmerized
C: YES!!!!!!!
C: NICE KEY CHANGE!
L: oh wow
C: AWESOME!
L: that was good - especially at the end, but her hair…she looks like frankestein's bride
C: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
C: so dope? that’s how randy describes her performance?!
L: Blew it out the box. There's a phrase I should use more
B: dope like the pope in the shower dropping the soap
C: is B randy?
C: and by randy, i mean randy jackson.
B: randy jackson! oof oof oof off
B: sup dawwwg pound
B: you did good dawwwg
L: Mixing up what? It sounded like he said Johnny Cash
L: IF HE SINGS JOHNNY CASH I WILL WET MYSELF. Period.
C: SHUT UP, LITTLE GIRL!
L: Who is the brat and why are we pandering to her?
L: WALK THE LINE
B: is this the guy?
B: chris?
L: Yes.
L: He's at my mercy.
B: vin?
B: diesel?
C: this is going to be awesome.
B: we can only hope
L: I'M GOING WEAK.
C: uh oh.
C: that was flat.
C: he's coming out of it.
L: Yeah, eek
L: GET BACK IN IT, CHRISSY BOY
L: He does kind of look like a penis.
C: are you saying that bald guys look like penises, ben?
L: Heh, sounded like a ben comment but it was from me and I got it from Television Without Pity recapper
C: OH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
B: ...
L: which is what I did at work today - read the Television Without Pity AI recap
B: ...
B: ...
B: im deeply insulted carrie
C: I'M SORRY!!! I thought you said it!
C: [randy] could actually say, "you made it your own," and he would be right, for once.
B: all that "he's getting out.. he's getting in" that sounded pretty bad to me
L: Yeah, Carrie, it's Ryan Seacrest who makes him think "Penis" - not Chris
L: who is beside constantine?
C: what? are ryan cabrera and constantine together now?
C: spread the rumor!
L: who is ryan cabrera?
C: um... actually, i don't know why he's famous. was he on AI before?
B: la la la
B: im on better behavior
B: i will only type insightful AI comments from now on
B: this needs to be serious AI discussion group
B: i think chris is really good actually
B: he always sings the most popular songs
C: i have a love/hate relationship with katherine mcphee.
B: if they have like.. free pick of any songs, i don't understand why people choose these crap songs
C: because it's any 50's song tonight.
C: blah, blah, blah... what is she saying?
B: look at her dance.. lol
B: what the hell
C: she can't dance. i'm scared by the possibility of her dancing.
B: this is like... what's that.. cabaret?
B: what are those lounge singers that aren't really strippers
B: but they'll like.. kick and show their knickers?
B: that's what it's like
C: okay...i won't compare her to catherine zeta jones douglas.
B: czjd ?
C: because we all know how much i love her.
B: you do?
B: eww
C: SHUT UP, BENSTON!
B: katherine's not really pretty though
B: she's kinda... weird looking
C: she is, but at the very beginning of the song when we were just looking at her face...she resembled a little bit.
C: i'm not sure i like that thing she just did.
L: MY THIRTY FIVE YEAR OLD BROTHER USES THE WORD KEWL
L: I AM AN ADOPTED GYPSY CHILD
B: kewl, plzkthx
L: halfway through the song
L: she scared me
L: i don't know what that's called
L: but it was wrong
B: skirt is odd in the back
C: gypsies are kewl
B: till they steal your money and leave you for dead
L: Clay just asked about you, Ben. He has such a boy-crush on you
B: kewl beans
B: k3wl b34n5
C: who DOESN'T have a boy crush on ben?
L: Flannery
L: She's a lesbo though. Even her butch side doesn't like him though.
C: maybe if he smelled like bacon.
B: double stick tape.. lol
L: I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE TAPE
L: AND BEING STICKY
C: she may feel comfortable, but she looks stupid.
C: DUCT TAPE?!
B: cat fight!
C: the silver fox?! GAH!!!
B: silver fox with the silver box
C: he is functionally retarded, y'all. i swear.
B: so am i. i function.. but just barely
C: i'm sorry if i offended you.
B: god.. when did kermit become a (expletive) communist
C: he was on the black list.
L: another Buddy Holly song
C: "meeting barry manilow was really, really kewl."
L: THESE PEOPLE HOLD NOTHING SACRED
L: did he call him a "whiskey tenor"
L: I want a whiskey tenor, yummmm
C: i think manilow had a jaw transplant or something.
C: i cannot adequately describe my feelings while watching taylor perform.
C: i hate the suit.
C: i hate the white shoes.
C: i hate the dancing.
C: i hate the seizures.
C: i hate jumping.
C: i hate everything he does.
C: i really hate how he's not wearing a belt.
L: Sorry, I made Ben dance with me to that
L: and Flannery - she joined in
B: but you love the hair. don't deny it
B: someone should be "shooting it" alright
B: with a machine gun
C: shooting paula in the face.
C: THANK YOU, SIMON!!! HOW I LOVE THEE!!!
C: "YOU'RE TALKING RUBBISH!" OH NO HE DI'N'T!
B: *snap* *snap* *snap*
B: mostly leno
C: WTF did seacrest say?
L: I might have to SPRINT SHOWER during the break
L: BRB
C: shower fast like the wizard of oz!
B: she tore out of here
B: like she was on fire
C: tell her to use soap.
B: wow.. that dude is hot
B: oh.. cross dresser
B: awesome
C: "She is the Man" looks like the DUMBEST movie EVER!
B: yea.. dumb as white chicks
C: i can't believe people spend money on this ess!
B: i know... it's crazy
C: and i think that a double filet-o-fish is completely uncalled-for.
C: is she done yet? it's coming back on!
B: the water is still running
C: (ad for super nanny) i would throw that kid into the doorjamb so hard!
C: you have no idea!
B: ahahaha
B: i hate that show
C: it seriously makes me never want to have kids.
B: backhand... backhand
B: kids are only like that coz their parents suck
C: "why do fools fall in love".
C: yell at laura. tell her to hurry up.
B: she's coming. i hear her getting out!
B: i dunno if this is good or not
B: im heading towards no
C: i can't stand lisa tucker. i've never liked her song choices.
C: i don't care how good her voice is. if the songs suck, there's nothing to make me like her.
B: why so much hate for the tucker?
C: i'm not even going to acknowledge the key changes.
B: chris always picks good songs
B: my simon impression : that was boring.. i won't remember it 10 min from now
C: that's a great impression.
C: paula looks haggard.
C: BOOOOOOURN!
C: i love simon so much.
B: daaamn
B: HS music show
B: paula does some hard living
C: oh yeah...kevin
C: how many are left? 11?
L: I'm back!
B: popozao!
L: sorry, i caught the last bit of lisa
L: My Hives are DEMANDING
B: it's a brazillian ass-shaker popoZAO
C: HAHAHAHA
C: OH! I HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING FOR Y'ALL...stay tuned.
B: ice skaters legs creep me out. they are too big
B: they could total crush someone with their thighs.. like twin anacondas or something
L: you know it turns you on
C: FOUND IT!
C: http://www.devilducky.com/media/41218/
L: that's hilarious!
L: Kevin…man…he looks like a mole
B: popzao is gonna be a hit
C: "Kevin is the sweetest of all of them." equals "Kevin looks weird and has a lisp."
L: like he's not used to the sunlight
B: it's better than a lot of crap out there right now
B: seriously
L: of course, he got it when you mentioned vulnerable
L: he's used to doing what the old men tell him to do
C: no you didn't, laura!
C: i'm practicing repeating the same line like randy.
L: oh he's sitting on the steps looking like a school boy
C: WTH did he do to his hair?!
L: don't stand up
L: he looks so weird when he stands on stage - like he's 4
L: it's the way he stands and holds the microphone
C: and the look on his face.
L: yeah, he looks like he's performing in a school talent show - there's no stage presence or anything
C: he's all nonchalant with his hand in his pocket. can't you see that?!
C: take the hand out of the pocket and FEEL it, kevin!
B: it's deep in there too
L: ACK, that last part was awful
C: did he superglue it in there?
C: oh...there it is...
B: that's a good way to scratch your crotch in public without drawing too much attention
L: his ears are bigger than his head
L: I'm going to start referring to myself as dawg
C: RANDY DID NOT THIRD PERSON WITH "THE DAWG"!
L: Randy sees himself in Kevin?
L: is he sure he doesn't see Kevin in his stomach
B: and you're like.. damn.. boy got attitude
B: he rivals the little cowboy in cuteness
L: HE DOES NOT
C: wow...she just used "moxie" to describe kevin.
L: THE TEENY TINY COWBOY WAS HEARTWRENCHING KEVIN IS NECK WRENCHING
B: that removes cuteness
C: TTC... i miss him.
L: I do too. I want to sponsor my own teeny tiny cowboy
L: forget starving african children
L: give me a teeny tiny cowboy who only has a turkey to sing to
L: Simon prefaces all of his Kevin comments with, "I like you"
B: "like a man"
B: i'd challenge simon to a duel
C: i think i'm tired of the chicken little reference.
B: good lord
B: look at that commercial
B: they were doing something that looked terribly painful
L: i always wanted to take yoga
C: yoga makes me giggle.
L: I want to take it but I never could
C: i was taking a class with a friend a few years ago, and we just laughed the whole time.
L: i definitely couldn't take it with a friend
C: no...it's not good.
C: even when she wasn't there, i'd laugh.
C: OOH...i like the new facial hair!
L: DIG YOURSELF IN THAT HOLE, ELLIOT
C: WOW!
C: HE ADMITTED IT!
C: he did not like the manilow!
L: I don't have my glasses on for a reason
B: FANILOW?
B: SOO GAY
L: Wow, Elliot is such a fanilow that he's plugging Barry's new album
B: oh god
B: barry is singing
B: this shitilow is making me tired
C: what was that knee thing he did at the beginning?
C: he looks better with the facial hair.
C: it balances his face out or something. of course, he did have that weird thing going on.
C: now if he could only get caps.
L: Boooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiinnnnggg
L: I just phased out and didn't realize I was doing it
C: " this shitilow is making me tired"
C: MWAHAHAHAHAHA
B: it don't take much to move paula
C: those aren’t goosebumps, paula; they’re speed bumps. SAY NO TO DRUGS!
B: i bet a 6pack and a line would do it
L: OH SNAP
B: maybe that guy who slept with her can tell us
L: PATSY CLINE
C: OH NO!!!
L: she's going to ruin it!
C: I'M SCARED!
L: i love me some patsy
L: but not pickler style
C: SHE IS GOING TO KILL IT!
C: and i mean kill in the bad way.
B: oh.. pickl'er is coming up?
B: w00t.. i'd like her at my mercy
B: mwa ha!
C: coke effervescence with coffee essence. I.C.K.
L: I love this song
L: she didn't know patsy cline was from this error
C: "i had know idea she was in that era"
C: "a sweet, do-do song"…hehehehe
C: GIRL WENT CRAZY WITH THE ROUGE!
C: it makes her eyes look teensy-weensy.
C: and what's with the long tank with the belt?
C: that said, she's not that bad.
L: her rendention isn't making me cry
L: too much
L: it's good but then there'll be this too twangy bit
C: she's singing to paula. that's telling
L: it's not a bar song
C: that's probably what simon will say.
C: did she just run over the mic?
B: a "mink"
B: i think she killed the mic
B: did she throw it on the floor?
B: she damaged it
C: and i quote myself: did she just run over the mic?
C: what's with the lazy eye? does it only show up when paula isn't drugged?
B: i think so
C: "anything you should share with us?"
B: my god...
B: poor girl
C: she wants to say, "um...I like sangin' to pawla!"
B: someone.. tell her what to say!
B: omg
C: i think she and taylor are MFEO
C: repeat after me: funk
C: shun
C: ally
C: re
C: tard
C: ed
L: sorry, i had to go to the tv screen to get an upclose
C: ON?
B MFEO ?
B: carrie? what is MFEO?
C: made for each other.
B: hahaha
L: so that wasn't as bad as i thought it would be
B: pick pickler!
L: thought it didn't deserve the lavish praise
C: i hate ace.
L: I love In Still Of The Night but this might make me gag
C: i hope he suXors
C: i don't know how to write that.
B: looks right to me
B: sux0rs
C: seriously, did a truck hit manilow in the face?
B: i think he had an abusive boyfriend for a while
C: NO FALSETTO FROM ACE!!!!!!!
C: we're going to get it.
B: i hate ace's face
C: AWESOME!!!!!!!
C: we're starting off very, VERY WELL
C: and for ace, that means BAD!
C: i CAN.NOT. WAIT. for simon's remarks.
L: um,
L: that was gross
L: and ended with a FALSETTO
C: CAN
C: NOT
C: WAIT
B: that is not singing
B: i can do that
B: if i quit smoking for a couple days
C: that face totally just said he knows he's gone.
B: otherwise.. i have no range
B: im like ashley simpson
B: i need chinese tea
B: and a background
B: props? wtf
C: RANDY IS USELESS!
B: paula is stoned
B: she's slurring
C: ARE THEY DEAF?!
B: slightly
C: I CAN’T WAIT
C: i love simon
C: SHUT UP, SIMON, I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
C: simon is just so tired of this crap that he'll say anything.

THE END

2006-03-09T15:00:00.000-06:00

It's time to address American Idol, but I can't say much more than I have said on a message board to which I belong and go by the name, karinka. So I'm going to cut and paste things I wrote there. Feel free to tell me why most of America loves Taylor. I can't say you'll sway me, because I'm as firm as Brad Pitt's rock-hard, delicious body in Troy and Fight Club when it comes to how I feel about Taylor. But I'd still like to know. So without further ado:

-I do not understand why so many people like Taylor. Is it for the same reason why you can't hate a retarded person? He is really "video killed the radio star" for me. Maybe he has a great voice...I don't know. I can't hear him because he twitches and jerks and sways and Ray Charleses all over the place, and as far as we know, he is neither blind nor hopped up on drugs. It's really annoying, and I can't stand him. If HE wins, I will be unhappy.

I loved Ayla so much because she was such a hard worker. Yeah, she was a bit mechanical, but only because she's trying new things she's never done before. I think that if given a little while, she would find her niche (pronounced NITCH in America!) and be a much better performer, i.e., less mechanical. She took bad criticism extremely well and used it to better herself for the next week. And she has a good voice. I never thought that she would win it, but I definitely think she deserves to be there above Melissa, Kelly, and just because I don't like any of the songs she chooses, Lisa.

Paris was an instant favorite of mine when she busted out Billie Holiday and then the stirring "Midnight Train to Georgia". She needs to get back to bringing down my house because she's slipping in my rankings.

I'm sad that Bucky's still in it, but I'm glad that two of the Will, Gedeon, Bucky trifecta were sent packing. Hopefully, Bucky will be one of the next few sent home. The other night when they brought his twin up on the stage, hearts skipped a beat in trailer parks across America. (Comment from board member, Jeff: "Wanna know the worst part about them showing us Bucky's brother? Well, the brother's name is Rocky, which means Bucky's real name is probably BUCKY!!! I had always told myself that his real name was something like David or William, that his parents weren't idiots, and he just chose to go by Bucky. No such luck.")

Gedeon...yeah...he had to go partly because his name should be pronounced Jideon with that spelling, partly because he's the black Chrstian Slater (and Christian Slater lost his appeal when I was 12. He's just been really creepy since then.), partly because of the "God Bless", partly because I hate the way he talks, and partly because I get no vibe from him besides the "ICK" one.

Beauty Queen, Ace...I don't like him. However, if he were to nail Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River", i wud b his 4ever.

I want Chris to bust out some rock from the early 90s, like "Would?" from Alice in Chains or "I Alone" from Live. That would rock my world, y'all!

-I thought Melissa looked tragically tragic this week. Whenever there was a profile shot of her, the hair and makeup she had made her look like a 40-year-old trying to look like a 21-year-old. I thought it was awful.

Katherine...she is something else. She OWNED "Think" this week, but she does weird things with her face sometimes when she sings (not Taylor-weird things, though). And I was not a fan of her telling us that she gets her camera stare from the same place Constantine got his. DOES. NOT. HELP. She also needs some serious choreography help. Paula, be useful!

-I have a request. Instead of using "us" when gushing about Taylor, will you please use "everyone but karinka" or "EBK" or "most of America"? Because I am part of "us", and I think I've made it abundantly clear that I do not like Taylor. Thanks.

-Another comment from boardmember Jeff: "Oh yeah, one other thing I meant to mention. They had the contestants tell us something about themselves that America would be surprised to know. Kinnik's answer: 'I like chitlins.' Well, in a way it's surprising that ANYONE likes chitlins, yes, but if I had to describe a person who might like chitlins, my first two adjectives would be 'southern' and 'black.' You know, like Kinnik."

2006-03-08T19:17:00.000-06:00

I HATE THESE TREES!! STINKY, STINKY CHERRY TREES! There in full bloom. GRR...

2006-03-03T15:33:00.000-06:00

Friday afternoon = Daily Show/Colbert Report TiVo marathon

2006-03-01T23:09:00.000-06:00

The cells lining my colon have been dumping water and ions into my colon ALL. DAY. LONG. This has never happened to me before. It sucks.

Dear Puffs®,

Whither the lotion-infused toilet paper?

Chafedly yours,
Carrie

2006-03-01T14:09:00.000-06:00

Mardi Gras photos are up and they are FAAABULOUUUUUUUUS!!!