Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Sometimes, picking at arm zits is way more fun and interesting than what you're supposed to be doing.


Sunday, February 25, 2007


Holy War

Isn't he the cutest devil you ever did see?

Now that the mood is set, I give you "Going to Hell list - 2007".

The 2007 Sinners Sign

Mormons are on it again, as well as adulteresses. Man-whores, you're okay this year.

People wearing underwear with chaps when they shouldn't be are not on that list.

Despite that abomination, there was a lot of adorable to be seen at Mardi Gras.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

Exhibit E:

I almost didn't go to Mardi Gras this year because I was in a bad mood, but then I woke up on Saturday last weekend wondering what in the heck I was still doing in Monroe. So I took a shower, threw some clothes, my camera, and necessary power cords in a bag, hopped into my car, and sped down there. I'm so glad I went, too, because I had a really good time. I saw old friends, met new ones, kissed a random stranger in the street, and critiqued Mardi Gras outfits. I also ate lots of good food and beignets. Mmm...beignets...

P.S. Harry Connick, Jr. and Drew Brees are really hot in person.


Wednesday, February 21, 2007



I think this video adequately represents my reaction.

I am now taking donations to support my Summer Tour, aka Tori Stalk 2007.

Can somebody get Tori a sandwich please? With bacon? She hasn't eaten in, like, 4 years.


Monday, February 19, 2007

Last night, I was at a parade on Canal Street. (I'm in New Orleans, by the way.) A friend (we'll call him Jeff), some other revelers, and I each had hands claiming some of a large tangle of beads. So we pulled them down to untangle them. The following exchange took place:

Jeff: Just yank on it; it will come.
Other reveler: Is that what you said last night?
My other friends and Kiki stare quietly at each other
exit other revelers
Jeff, other friends, and Kiki laugh hysterically

It's fun being in New Orleans right now because everyone is happy and friendly and bound together in unholy Mardi Gras bliss. I'll maybe post some pictures soon.

OH! And yesterday morning, I was in my air mattress at the doctors' house in uptown N.O. when at 10AM, somebody started playing the trumpet. The trumpeter (doctor Jeff says it was a girl) kind of practices backward, in that she started playing her "pieces" and ended with scales. The best thing I can say about her "pieces" is that they were nonsense. It was the first thing I saw this weekend that made me think of that thing on Letterman, "Is This Anything?" But then, even more offensive and anxiety producing were the scales because this is how they went: do-re-me-fa-so-la-ti. Or do-re-me-fa-so-la. COME ON! PLAY THE LAST NOTE!!! PLEASE PLAY THE LAST NOTE! OMG! OKAY! OKAY! I WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WOULD JUST PLAY THE LAST NOTE I'M BEGGING YOU!


Monday, February 12, 2007

My Thoughts While Watching the Grammys

I would give anything to see The Police play together for real.

Another song we haven't heard won a Grammy because it was sung by legends even though the entire world had to go through rehab to get "Hips Don't Lie" out of their heads.

The two not-Natalie Dixie Chicks look like they should be backing Robert Palmer.

Beyoncé really does bug.

I want to punch Fergie in the face because she can't read and for countless other reasons.

I've never seen India.Arie's hair before. She looks WAY different.

I was just thinking of Erykah Badu, but I still don't think I've ever seen India.'s hair.

Father God, Mambo, and the Savior Jesus Christ. SOMEBODY got demoted!

Justin, we ALL know "What Goes Around..." was about Britney and not about "a friend's personal experience", so stop trying to play us.

I wish there were a knob on the TV that I could turn to put people back on pitch.

I can’t stand Corinne Bailey Rae.

¿Como se llama, bonita? Mi casa. I need to go back to rehab.

I do not like Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy (Funeral Durge Remix)”.

Mary J. Blige = true musical royalty? Isn’t that going too far?

Wait! How did the Dixie Chicks beat LEGEND Willie Nelson?! Just kidding.

I just had an evil thought: Rascal Fatts. HEE! That dude should really do something else with his hair.

Carrie Underwood… She causes turmoil within me because I cannot like country, but I LOVE her voice.

How did Chris Brown become famous? Really. Did Usher retire and pass his crown on?

Elisabeth Schwartzkopf?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I’m sorry. That was mean. She meant a lot to someone.

Seriously, how did draping James Brown’s cape over the mic incite that riotous outburst? THE POLICE JUST REUNITED ON THIS VERY STAGE!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mary J. Blige. Again.

Since my friend told me that James Blunt sounded like Rod Stewart, I haven’t been able to listen to that song “You’re Beautiful”. It’s a good thing because he’s SO. BORING!

Are JT and Mary J. competing to see who performs the most on stage tonight?

Did you know that Flea’s last name was Gonzales? And what is he wearing?

At least he’s wearing something.

Best Rock Album: I swear to God if John Mayer beats the Red Hot Chili Peppers… I don’t have to finish that sentence.

I want to put John Mayer, Corinne Insipid Rae, and James Blunt into a basin, fill it with cement, and sink it so that we never have to hear from them again.


Don Henley: So you’re recording your first album.
ScarJo: Yeah. Do you have any advice for me?
Don Henley: No.


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Sunday, February 11, 2007

This is the South

Trisha: Is you is, or is you ain't open?
Shayne: No, ma'am. We closed for remodlin."

This is a Sonic in Lake Village, AR. Thank goodness I didn't find this in Louisiana!

It has been asked if this is a fake picture. And the answer is no. No, it isn't. I took that picture this morning.


Tuesday, February 06, 2007

And I am telling you...

Thanks to Azúcar for writing this post reminding me of something I was going to blog about a few weeks ago.

I think I was sucked into the vortex that is Dreamgirls further than anyone else because to this day, a whopping six weeks after it was released, I'm still the only person preaching its fabulousness. Sure, it's up for a bunch of Oscars, but other than that, I think most people have moved on. But I'm hear to tell you, if you buy a ticket and only see Jennifer Hudson sing that one song that is going to give her the little gold man, you will have gotten your money's worth. I still crave seeing it; the girl's performance is standing-ovationly unbelievable.

The second time I went to see it, I went alone because when I'm alone, I can let emotion carry me away. I start to think that I can accomplish the impossible; like, I can TOTALLY sing that song as well as JHud. Afterall, I WAS good enough to sing in the Mormon LDS Missionary Training Center choir and the BYU FLSR Ward Choir. I remember this one time; it was Easter, and we were singing "Oh, Saviour, Thou Who Wearest a Crown of Piercing Thorn". The music was composed Bach for "The St. Matthew Passion", and it's one of my favorite melodies despite its somber tone. I was so excited to sing it with the choir. (I am not a good singer.) As we stood there singing, I earnestly vocalized and facially expressed my earnestness. I KNOW EVERYONE heard and SAW that this hymn was my most favorite thing EVER CREATED or PERFORMED, and it was CERTAINLY the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER IN THAT MOMENT, FOR MY FACE AND THROAT SANG SO!! You know when you watch an organized choir, and most people are there just doing their job, lending their voice, trying to please the audience? There's always that one person who's there because THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER DONE, and his eyes are almost bugging out with excitement, and his mouth is WIDE OPEN YOU COULD DRIVE A BOAT SHOW IN THERE, and he's doing things with his face that you wouldn't ever attempt doing because there's no point in stretching your face that much. I WAS THAT PERSON!!! I sang LOUDER and prouder than ANY of the other seven in that little group. I KNOW everyone heard me. I KNOW everyone was thinking, "Bitch is WILD!" (except less vulgar because we were in church.) I KNOW I can be the next American Idol, and YOU!




Movies like Dreamgirls really make you think crazy stuff like that!

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Monday, February 05, 2007

Meet the newest member of my gadget family:


She's a Nikon D70. I got her used. Now, I just need to buy a um...snap-on...lens, and then she's good to go. We're going to have so much fun!


Saturday, February 03, 2007

You know those times when you're getting ready to leave a friend's house, and you have to go...pee...REALLY BADLY, but you don't go at friend's house because you know that when you get home you have to do A, B, and C things, so why go to the bathroom twice? And you live barely a block away, so you'll make it, right? And then you know when you get home and your outside cat is there waiting for you to pour a midnight snack into his bowl, and you think, "I can do that"? But then you know when you bend over, and you feel your bladder letting go, so you ditch that idea for the moment so you can get to the bathroom? But then you're walking briskly through the house, and memories of childhood cruelty come flooding to your head. And then you know when you get to the bathroom and you think, "VICTORY!!!", but then PSYCH! You wet your pants? That happened to me tonight.

When was the last time you wet your an adult, and a fetus wasn't using your bladder as a trampoline...and you weren't drunk or high?