Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Dear young women of the world,

We need to have a little chat. I know that y'all are under a lot of pressure from the media, Paris Hilton, and the Pussycat Dolls to wear clothing you think is sexy, e.g., you're pairing pants that stop midhip with thongs that wrap up around your waist. (Something you may not know: your waist is ABOVE your hips.) Of course, if you are, in fact, under pressure from Paris Hilton, you will soon/have already become the latest Britney Spears, i.e., you are calling blouses dresses, and you think that going commando is the new thong.


Maybe you ARE wearing those panties from that Victoria's Secret ad with the sexy Gisele angel, but if your prized lingerie is peaking out over your jeans, most guys are going to laugh at you and think of you in ways you probably didn't intend. I mean, they are going to think of you as slutty, a tease, cheap, easy, Britney, nasty, dirrty, gross, fat because, let's face it; some of you should not be wearing that. Cover up that Christmas dinner belly.

It's time to become something better. Let's start by tearing down that Lindsay Lohan poster. Do you really want to become that sad drunk being called "Fire Crotch" by her peers? Next, take any underwear that wraps around your waist, and put them on the same hanger as your paints that also wrap around your waist so that you don't make the mistake we're trying to correct here. You need to wear pants that wear ABOVE the top of your underpants. Also, when you wear hipster pants, wear your longer blouses. Imagining what's under the clothes is hotter than seeing the disappointment. Wear your form-fitting clothes but remember to cover the form. (If Micheline Man is your form, do not wear form-fitting clothes. We already know you're overweight. Instead, take some tips from the stunning Jennifer Hudson and that lionness actress from "Grey's Anatomy". They are models of plus-sized beauty, elegance, and sexiness.)

So, to summarize: fewer asscracks, T-backs, and bellies, and more elegance and use of the imagination. Let's grow up ladies.

With love and concern,

Aunt Kiki