Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The other day at church, I passed a guy in the hall, and when he saw my head, he exasperated, "What did you do to your head?!" I told him the truth: I fell in the shower. Then I showed him the ugly gash picture. Not being confident in his manhood, apparently, he admonished me against showing that picture to other guys because it would make me look tougher than they.

I FELL IN THE SHOWER!!! I did one of the most old-lady things I can think of, for crying out loud!

Since that moment in church, I have thought of a couple scenarios that would and should make a man feel like a little girl had these been the cause of my headwound, which I just named Marvin McScarvin about 20 minutes ago. I just made that name up. It's an original.

Okay. Scenario #1 that would turn a macho man to a life of buying hairwax and forming his hair into a faux-hawk on a daily basis:

During the closing minutes of the Seventh Annual Konichiwa Ironman Tae Kwon Do Invitational championship, my opponent cut open my head with his grotesquely long, and later ruled illegal, toe nail while attacking me with a spinning kick. Blinded by the blood flowing down my face, I went through my entire repertoire of attacking maneuvers. He didn't know what hit him, and neither did I. All I know is I was declared the winner. Then I got stitches.


Scenario #2 that would cause even the manliest and most Tobiest of Keiths to stick something, i.e., not his boot, up someone's hind end, if you know what I mean. (Was that too inappropriate?):

There I was, sitting in a tree, listening to the leaves crackle under hoof of a yet unknown beast. Seconds later, a majestic 12x13 elk walked out of a clearing directly below the branch I was sitting upon. Having taken hold of my nerves, I dropped from the branch onto the elk's back. I gripped my massively buff arms around his neck and wrestled him to the forest floor. I slipped around his neck, and that's when he nicked me with his antlers. He shook me off, but he was careless and left part of his body vulnerable. You know the part! So I rammed my foot as hard as I could against his "elkhood", and his head fell off. He lay there, decapitated, dead. After ripping out his still-beating heart and eating it, I got up, threw him over my shoulder, and walked to my truck. Since I was going to pass by the hospital on my way home, I dropped in to see if I needed some stitches. I did.


But neither of those things happened, so take heart, boys. I just fell in the shower.

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1 Comments:

At 10:56, Blogger AzĂșcar said...

(where you keep your axe.)

I can't decide which scenario is more believable. I'm going with the man v. nature: you and an elk, locked in mortal combat for the survival of species.

Any guy who is threatened by your head wound needs to buy some ruffled panties and give up.

 

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