Wednesday, March 22, 2006

My friends, Laura and Ben, and I sorta started a new weekly tradition where we all get online to watch American Idol "together". On instant messenger we make comments and crack each other up. (Ben and Laura are a couple, and they enjoy the companionship of Laura's dog, Flannery.) Since I've been so busy with school, not much has been happening, so I haven't written much up here. You get a little bit (but hellalong...it WAS 22 pages of text) of that conversation. If you watch AI, you probably had some of these same thoughts last night. Enjoy.

L: LE START!
C: YAY
B: AI time
B: woohoo
B: seacrest IN
C: oh...doesn't he look dapper tonight?!
L: We're going to have to wade through Ben's homerotic Crest fantasies now
C: TELL ME MORE!
B: first i smother him in insta-tan
B: then he goes on american idol
L: His hair is very military tonight
C: no, they don't allow gays in the military.
L: but they let military in the gays
L: I'VE HEARD THE RUMORS.
B: it's not gay if you're not the one who's the woman
L: I like the thought of Chris at my mercy
B: who is chris you tart!
C: i like the idea of calling mandisa "manchild". i don't know why.
L: oh my hokey, in that outfit Taylor looks like one of those little old ladies with purple hair
C: don't get me started on taylor.
B: who is CHRIS!?!?!
L: the bald one
C: the bald guy we all want to win.
L: what's the theme tonight? do we know yet?
C: HEART!
L: For reals?
L: Because I love Heart but I might cry if Kevin does them
B: you don't hear me talking about kelly pickler
L: Did Paula just get her who/whoms correct? Color me impressed
B: i'd like to pickler her.. ahahaha
C: HUH?!
C: you are dirty.
L: There's a reason Ben and I are sitting on opposite sides of the room
L: With Flannery in between us
L: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
C: oh PLEASE GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
L: Not the Manilow!
C: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
L: YOU LIED TO ME!
L: And now I want to cry!
C: WHY, GOD, DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?!
C: (expletive)!
C: i was just kidding about the heart thing.
L: Why don't they call the theme nights what they are. It's not Barry Manilow night. It's gay guy with bad hair night. Elliot will rule!
C: (EXPLETIVE)!
C: okay, did you just think that clay aiken is barry manilow? they look exactly alike.
L: it makes me giggle
L: you're on to something
C: did manilow get hit in the face so hard that it was deformed?
B: lol
L: hahaha, Mandisa is all - I don't know nothing about that white guy
C: for reals, yo
B: if it were up to him she'd open big
B: this is the girl
C: manchild is going to rule tonight.
L: I relate to Manchild
L: because I have the shelf for the behind thing too. Normal from the front and then side or back view = woah.
C: i like the hair tonight.
L: Oh wow, I love this. This is Manilow? It rules when she does it
C: no...she said it was someone else. manilow may have written it, though?
L: yeah, I heard her say Diana or Donna or something and was confused. But I really like it.
L: I feel like I should be wearing a poodle skirt and crying into a milkshake
C: mandisa is very pretty.
L: She is. Ben makes fun of me when I say I think she's foxy
C: she's gorgeous.
C: i love her hair tongiht
L: did Paula just call Manchild a horse?
L: BLOSSOMING sounds naughty when Simon says it
C: i missed the horse comment.
B: stripper song!!!
C: simon's wearing a white tee tonight?
L: that's a long sleeve white shirt pushed up to show his GUNS
C: NO, RYAN! NOT MANDIVA! MANCHILD!
L: Oh I didn't notice the sleeves of her dress. How saucy!
L: Her dress looks all bunchy around the stomach and somehow makes her bust look small - it's just odd.
C: i love the commercial with the fingerpainting cat making the pie chart.
B: (commercial): “WHAT KINDA JOB DO YOU HAVE NEEEGRO”
C: NO SHE DI'N'T!
B: OH HEEEEEYAAALLLL NO
B: just pointing out some of the interesting cultural differences
C: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…music from the 50s coached by barry....that is so much better.
L: Ok, I love this song. If Bucky sings it, I WILL CRY
C: i hate bucky.
B: booo bucky!
L: I need tissues.
C: PLEASE, AMERICA, DO THE RIGHT THING!!!
C: at least he doesn't have the jessica simpson hair he had last week.
C: this song sucks.
L: THE REAL ONE DOESN'T! HE'S MASSACRING BUDDY HOLLY
L: HOW CAN THIS BE LEGAL
C: it's really weak.
L: SOMEONE STOP HIM
L: * crawls under the desk and whimpers*
B: they are turning the volume down.. i swear
C: i hate that twirl-the-mic thing he does.
B: they just f up the dials on the soundboard
B: and make excellent people like bucky lose
C: and also, he's wearing double denim.
C: SHUT UP, RANDY!!!!!!!!!!
B: you don’t
B: talk
B: to king DAAAWG like that
L: it's like - he doesn't have a best vocal
C: thank god! a voice of reason...simon!
L: Hush it up, Paula
C: "nothing more than a pointless kareoke performance."
C: paula is useless.
L: NO ONE LOVES YOU, BUCKY
C: "People love you, Bucky. People love you."
C: I think he's trying to get out of the trailer park, isn't he? Does he care if those people love him?
B: im smart enough.. and strong enough.. to sing on teeveee
L: Bucky's eyebrows are too dark
C: that GRILL!
C: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (paris is singing “fever”)
L: PEGGY LEE
C: THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!!!!!
L: DEAR PARIS, I HEART YOU! LOVE, LAURA
C: i LOVE that paris is singing this.
L: someone make [Manilow] SHUT IT UP
L: she’s very squeakytastic
L: and then the voice makes you QUIVER
C: why does barry wear shirts that make him look like he has no neck?
C: i love her outfit, too.
C: she is so good on stage when she has a great song.
L: sorry, i'm mesmerized
C: YES!!!!!!!
C: NICE KEY CHANGE!
L: oh wow
C: AWESOME!
L: that was good - especially at the end, but her hair…she looks like frankestein's bride
C: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
C: so dope? that’s how randy describes her performance?!
L: Blew it out the box. There's a phrase I should use more
B: dope like the pope in the shower dropping the soap
C: is B randy?
C: and by randy, i mean randy jackson.
B: randy jackson! oof oof oof off
B: sup dawwwg pound
B: you did good dawwwg
L: Mixing up what? It sounded like he said Johnny Cash
L: IF HE SINGS JOHNNY CASH I WILL WET MYSELF. Period.
C: SHUT UP, LITTLE GIRL!
L: Who is the brat and why are we pandering to her?
L: WALK THE LINE
B: is this the guy?
B: chris?
L: Yes.
L: He's at my mercy.
B: vin?
B: diesel?
C: this is going to be awesome.
B: we can only hope
L: I'M GOING WEAK.
C: uh oh.
C: that was flat.
C: he's coming out of it.
L: Yeah, eek
L: GET BACK IN IT, CHRISSY BOY
L: He does kind of look like a penis.
C: are you saying that bald guys look like penises, ben?
L: Heh, sounded like a ben comment but it was from me and I got it from Television Without Pity recapper
C: OH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
B: ...
L: which is what I did at work today - read the Television Without Pity AI recap
B: ...
B: ...
B: im deeply insulted carrie
C: I'M SORRY!!! I thought you said it!
C: [randy] could actually say, "you made it your own," and he would be right, for once.
B: all that "he's getting out.. he's getting in" that sounded pretty bad to me
L: Yeah, Carrie, it's Ryan Seacrest who makes him think "Penis" - not Chris
L: who is beside constantine?
C: what? are ryan cabrera and constantine together now?
C: spread the rumor!
L: who is ryan cabrera?
C: um... actually, i don't know why he's famous. was he on AI before?
B: la la la
B: im on better behavior
B: i will only type insightful AI comments from now on
B: this needs to be serious AI discussion group
B: i think chris is really good actually
B: he always sings the most popular songs
C: i have a love/hate relationship with katherine mcphee.
B: if they have like.. free pick of any songs, i don't understand why people choose these crap songs
C: because it's any 50's song tonight.
C: blah, blah, blah... what is she saying?
B: look at her dance.. lol
B: what the hell
C: she can't dance. i'm scared by the possibility of her dancing.
B: this is like... what's that.. cabaret?
B: what are those lounge singers that aren't really strippers
B: but they'll like.. kick and show their knickers?
B: that's what it's like
C: okay...i won't compare her to catherine zeta jones douglas.
B: czjd ?
C: because we all know how much i love her.
B: you do?
B: eww
C: SHUT UP, BENSTON!
B: katherine's not really pretty though
B: she's kinda... weird looking
C: she is, but at the very beginning of the song when we were just looking at her face...she resembled a little bit.
C: i'm not sure i like that thing she just did.
L: MY THIRTY FIVE YEAR OLD BROTHER USES THE WORD KEWL
L: I AM AN ADOPTED GYPSY CHILD
B: kewl, plzkthx
L: halfway through the song
L: she scared me
L: i don't know what that's called
L: but it was wrong
B: skirt is odd in the back
C: gypsies are kewl
B: till they steal your money and leave you for dead
L: Clay just asked about you, Ben. He has such a boy-crush on you
B: kewl beans
B: k3wl b34n5
C: who DOESN'T have a boy crush on ben?
L: Flannery
L: She's a lesbo though. Even her butch side doesn't like him though.
C: maybe if he smelled like bacon.
B: double stick tape.. lol
L: I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE TAPE
L: AND BEING STICKY
C: she may feel comfortable, but she looks stupid.
C: DUCT TAPE?!
B: cat fight!
C: the silver fox?! GAH!!!
B: silver fox with the silver box
C: he is functionally retarded, y'all. i swear.
B: so am i. i function.. but just barely
C: i'm sorry if i offended you.
B: god.. when did kermit become a (expletive) communist
C: he was on the black list.
L: another Buddy Holly song
C: "meeting barry manilow was really, really kewl."
L: THESE PEOPLE HOLD NOTHING SACRED
L: did he call him a "whiskey tenor"
L: I want a whiskey tenor, yummmm
C: i think manilow had a jaw transplant or something.
C: i cannot adequately describe my feelings while watching taylor perform.
C: i hate the suit.
C: i hate the white shoes.
C: i hate the dancing.
C: i hate the seizures.
C: i hate jumping.
C: i hate everything he does.
C: i really hate how he's not wearing a belt.
L: Sorry, I made Ben dance with me to that
L: and Flannery - she joined in
B: but you love the hair. don't deny it
B: someone should be "shooting it" alright
B: with a machine gun
C: shooting paula in the face.
C: THANK YOU, SIMON!!! HOW I LOVE THEE!!!
C: "YOU'RE TALKING RUBBISH!" OH NO HE DI'N'T!
B: *snap* *snap* *snap*
B: mostly leno
C: WTF did seacrest say?
L: I might have to SPRINT SHOWER during the break
L: BRB
C: shower fast like the wizard of oz!
B: she tore out of here
B: like she was on fire
C: tell her to use soap.
B: wow.. that dude is hot
B: oh.. cross dresser
B: awesome
C: "She is the Man" looks like the DUMBEST movie EVER!
B: yea.. dumb as white chicks
C: i can't believe people spend money on this ess!
B: i know... it's crazy
C: and i think that a double filet-o-fish is completely uncalled-for.
C: is she done yet? it's coming back on!
B: the water is still running
C: (ad for super nanny) i would throw that kid into the doorjamb so hard!
C: you have no idea!
B: ahahaha
B: i hate that show
C: it seriously makes me never want to have kids.
B: backhand... backhand
B: kids are only like that coz their parents suck
C: "why do fools fall in love".
C: yell at laura. tell her to hurry up.
B: she's coming. i hear her getting out!
B: i dunno if this is good or not
B: im heading towards no
C: i can't stand lisa tucker. i've never liked her song choices.
C: i don't care how good her voice is. if the songs suck, there's nothing to make me like her.
B: why so much hate for the tucker?
C: i'm not even going to acknowledge the key changes.
B: chris always picks good songs
B: my simon impression : that was boring.. i won't remember it 10 min from now
C: that's a great impression.
C: paula looks haggard.
C: BOOOOOOURN!
C: i love simon so much.
B: daaamn
B: HS music show
B: paula does some hard living
C: oh yeah...kevin
C: how many are left? 11?
L: I'm back!
B: popozao!
L: sorry, i caught the last bit of lisa
L: My Hives are DEMANDING
B: it's a brazillian ass-shaker popoZAO
C: HAHAHAHA
C: OH! I HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING FOR Y'ALL...stay tuned.
B: ice skaters legs creep me out. they are too big
B: they could total crush someone with their thighs.. like twin anacondas or something
L: you know it turns you on
C: FOUND IT!
C: http://www.devilducky.com/media/41218/
L: that's hilarious!
L: Kevin…man…he looks like a mole
B: popzao is gonna be a hit
C: "Kevin is the sweetest of all of them." equals "Kevin looks weird and has a lisp."
L: like he's not used to the sunlight
B: it's better than a lot of crap out there right now
B: seriously
L: of course, he got it when you mentioned vulnerable
L: he's used to doing what the old men tell him to do
C: no you didn't, laura!
C: i'm practicing repeating the same line like randy.
L: oh he's sitting on the steps looking like a school boy
C: WTH did he do to his hair?!
L: don't stand up
L: he looks so weird when he stands on stage - like he's 4
L: it's the way he stands and holds the microphone
C: and the look on his face.
L: yeah, he looks like he's performing in a school talent show - there's no stage presence or anything
C: he's all nonchalant with his hand in his pocket. can't you see that?!
C: take the hand out of the pocket and FEEL it, kevin!
B: it's deep in there too
L: ACK, that last part was awful
C: did he superglue it in there?
C: oh...there it is...
B: that's a good way to scratch your crotch in public without drawing too much attention
L: his ears are bigger than his head
L: I'm going to start referring to myself as dawg
C: RANDY DID NOT THIRD PERSON WITH "THE DAWG"!
L: Randy sees himself in Kevin?
L: is he sure he doesn't see Kevin in his stomach
B: and you're like.. damn.. boy got attitude
B: he rivals the little cowboy in cuteness
L: HE DOES NOT
C: wow...she just used "moxie" to describe kevin.
L: THE TEENY TINY COWBOY WAS HEARTWRENCHING KEVIN IS NECK WRENCHING
B: that removes cuteness
C: TTC... i miss him.
L: I do too. I want to sponsor my own teeny tiny cowboy
L: forget starving african children
L: give me a teeny tiny cowboy who only has a turkey to sing to
L: Simon prefaces all of his Kevin comments with, "I like you"
B: "like a man"
B: i'd challenge simon to a duel
C: i think i'm tired of the chicken little reference.
B: good lord
B: look at that commercial
B: they were doing something that looked terribly painful
L: i always wanted to take yoga
C: yoga makes me giggle.
L: I want to take it but I never could
C: i was taking a class with a friend a few years ago, and we just laughed the whole time.
L: i definitely couldn't take it with a friend
C: no...it's not good.
C: even when she wasn't there, i'd laugh.
C: OOH...i like the new facial hair!
L: DIG YOURSELF IN THAT HOLE, ELLIOT
C: WOW!
C: HE ADMITTED IT!
C: he did not like the manilow!
L: I don't have my glasses on for a reason
B: FANILOW?
B: SOO GAY
L: Wow, Elliot is such a fanilow that he's plugging Barry's new album
B: oh god
B: barry is singing
B: this shitilow is making me tired
C: what was that knee thing he did at the beginning?
C: he looks better with the facial hair.
C: it balances his face out or something. of course, he did have that weird thing going on.
C: now if he could only get caps.
L: Boooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiinnnnggg
L: I just phased out and didn't realize I was doing it
C: " this shitilow is making me tired"
C: MWAHAHAHAHAHA
B: it don't take much to move paula
C: those aren’t goosebumps, paula; they’re speed bumps. SAY NO TO DRUGS!
B: i bet a 6pack and a line would do it
L: OH SNAP
B: maybe that guy who slept with her can tell us
L: PATSY CLINE
C: OH NO!!!
L: she's going to ruin it!
C: I'M SCARED!
L: i love me some patsy
L: but not pickler style
C: SHE IS GOING TO KILL IT!
C: and i mean kill in the bad way.
B: oh.. pickl'er is coming up?
B: w00t.. i'd like her at my mercy
B: mwa ha!
C: coke effervescence with coffee essence. I.C.K.
L: I love this song
L: she didn't know patsy cline was from this error
C: "i had know idea she was in that era"
C: "a sweet, do-do song"…hehehehe
C: GIRL WENT CRAZY WITH THE ROUGE!
C: it makes her eyes look teensy-weensy.
C: and what's with the long tank with the belt?
C: that said, she's not that bad.
L: her rendention isn't making me cry
L: too much
L: it's good but then there'll be this too twangy bit
C: she's singing to paula. that's telling
L: it's not a bar song
C: that's probably what simon will say.
C: did she just run over the mic?
B: a "mink"
B: i think she killed the mic
B: did she throw it on the floor?
B: she damaged it
C: and i quote myself: did she just run over the mic?
C: what's with the lazy eye? does it only show up when paula isn't drugged?
B: i think so
C: "anything you should share with us?"
B: my god...
B: poor girl
C: she wants to say, "um...I like sangin' to pawla!"
B: someone.. tell her what to say!
B: omg
C: i think she and taylor are MFEO
C: repeat after me: funk
C: shun
C: ally
C: re
C: tard
C: ed
L: sorry, i had to go to the tv screen to get an upclose
C: ON?
B MFEO ?
B: carrie? what is MFEO?
C: made for each other.
B: hahaha
L: so that wasn't as bad as i thought it would be
B: pick pickler!
L: thought it didn't deserve the lavish praise
C: i hate ace.
L: I love In Still Of The Night but this might make me gag
C: i hope he suXors
C: i don't know how to write that.
B: looks right to me
B: sux0rs
C: seriously, did a truck hit manilow in the face?
B: i think he had an abusive boyfriend for a while
C: NO FALSETTO FROM ACE!!!!!!!
C: we're going to get it.
B: i hate ace's face
C: AWESOME!!!!!!!
C: we're starting off very, VERY WELL
C: and for ace, that means BAD!
C: i CAN.NOT. WAIT. for simon's remarks.
L: um,
L: that was gross
L: and ended with a FALSETTO
C: CAN
C: NOT
C: WAIT
B: that is not singing
B: i can do that
B: if i quit smoking for a couple days
C: that face totally just said he knows he's gone.
B: otherwise.. i have no range
B: im like ashley simpson
B: i need chinese tea
B: and a background
B: props? wtf
C: RANDY IS USELESS!
B: paula is stoned
B: she's slurring
C: ARE THEY DEAF?!
B: slightly
C: I CAN’T WAIT
C: i love simon
C: SHUT UP, SIMON, I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
C: simon is just so tired of this crap that he'll say anything.


THE END

2 Comments:

At 20:03, Blogger Laura said...

His version was really just Live's version? Man, that sux0rs

 
At 23:19, Anonymous Audrey said...

I just read that whole thing, and it was quite the giggle. I STILL HEART TAYLOR, even if that gets me banned from your blog. And I'm sorry, but I just don't get what everyone loves about Chris, especially after he screwed up Johnny Cash (OK, after he screwed up his cover of someone else's cover of Johnny Cash).

You know what? I love that commercial with the fingerpainting cat too.

 

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