Friday, December 23, 2005

I meant to post this a couple of weeks ago when I wrote it. It's the Johnston family newsletter. Enjoy.

Dear friends and family,

I, Carrie Johnston, have been commanded to write a letter addressed to you from the family. I just wanted to tell you that because now you know who’s writing this letter. I hate when I get family letters, and everything is written in third-person. For example, you receive a letter from Colin and Anne Maserati. They sign it “Love, Colin and Anne”, however, the entire letter says things like, “Anne failed her typing course this year, but she managed to find a job as a secretary, which…it’s money,” and “Colin tore his ACL in a monster truck rally.” I find that sort of thing, a letter from two or more people but written in third-person, confusing. I don’t believe that Colin wrote one half and that Anne wrote the other because 1) Colin, despite the oddly distinguished name, drives monster trucks. He’s not a man of language, and 2) Anne may have failed her typing course, but she can obviously type…just not vrey well. But enough to get a letter out. So there you go: I am writing this letter on behalf of my family.

I’m going to kick this party off by talking about #1: me. You know how I love to travel. All year long I had the itch to leave the country, but the most exotic place I wound up was North Carolina. It’s no France, but it was very pretty and I was with fun friends. I went there while on a break from school. You also know how much I love school. I’m still there on daddy’s dollar. He loves me and wants me to be as smart as I can be, obviously, or he would have kicked me out long ago yelling, “Get a job!” I now tell people I’m doing “post-bac” work because it sounds more prestigious than saying, “I’m taking more undergraduate courses.” You see, I want to be more well-rounded than you. Not only can I tell you what admixture analysis of DNA means, but I can do it in French and maybe Spanish and German if I look up a few words. I also learned how to build a device that would light an M-80 firecracker from a distance, while it’s in the middle of a bowl of dog food, to scare/kill birds away. I never did that, but I could have if I wanted to.

Continuing in no particular order: my mom, or Kim as some of you call her. She filled her year doing top-secret mom things (TSMT), i.e., no one knows what she does. And when she wasn’t doing TSMT, she was busy with being in charge of the children organization at church, called Primary. She cut out many a cartoonish thing this year while making displays for class lessons at church. She is very organized and responsible, running a tight ship and taking no excuses from crew members who are lazy. Aside from TSMT and Primary, my mom took me to see Tori Amos in concert 3 of the 4 times I went to see her this year. (She is my favorite musician, and I’m slightly obsessed.) Don’t let her tell you she’s not a fan. Mom also gave up her second cell-phone account to the destruction my sister would lay upon it. Now my mom and I have a family share account, and she has been commanded not to let Rebecca have that phone, too. Recently, my mom has become the “Mother of the Ward” (ward being what Mormons call congregations) because…

My dad, William the Dentist-Hunter or just Bill, has been called to be the Bishop (the spiritual leader) of the ward. No more hunting for the hunter on Sundays, no. Instead he’ll have meetings and meetings and meetings and some more meetings, and phone calls from every Brother Tom, Brother Dick, and Brother Harry. He’s going to LOVE that part because he loves getting phone calls. What this means for the family is that we will be participating in many more spiritually uplifting and family-strengthening activities together when dad’s not in a meeting or on the phone or taking a nap with his spoiled cat, which he and the cat love to do. Dad recently went to Utah with mom so he could go hunting while my mom visited with her family. They went over Thanksgiving, leaving my sister and me without Thanksgiving fried turkey. But since my dad’s the bishop, they won’t be leaving us ever again for a long time. His hunt in Utah was fruitless, but just before he went there, he killed poor Bambi’s momma. He’ll have a good time eating that by himself.

Rebecca, the sister, is currently the front-runner in the “Most moves by a homeless person” category. Of course, she’s not homeless, but she does move more than a homeless person so she was allowed to enter the race. (I apologize for my insensitivity to any of you homeless people who may be reading this.) I think she’s up to 4 moves this year, and she will move once more at the end of this month. So if she’s out by New Year’s Day, that will make 5. Even homeless people don’t like to move that much, so I think she was safe for the win at 3. Rebecca is currently working on my gift of free manicures and pedicures or dye jobs for life. She’s at beauty school. She loves doing hair and nails, and she loves to be social, so what better career could she have? She’s enjoying it and the friendships she’s forming at school, a far cry from that first day of class when she got a dummy head thrown at her. (She was almost the innocent victim of a cat-fight that involved the throwing of dummy heads.) Luckily, she came out of that unscathed and unshaken. She’s still there. GO REBECCA!

From my (Carrie’s) point-of-view, that is the Johnston year-in-review. Keep us in your thoughts and/or prayers that 1) my dad will be granted much patience and understanding as he is guided by the Lord in his new calling, 2) that my mom will learn how to cook so that when my dad gets home from a long day at work and has to go to meetings later, she will have cooked a good meal for him to eat, 3) that my sister finds her new home to be so wonderful that she loses the “Most moves by a homeless person” race next year and that she finishes school, and 4) that Tori Amos goes on tour again really soon because it’s been over three months since her tour finished, and I’m getting the twitches. We love you all and we think of you fondly and often. On behalf of the entire family, I wish you a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Love, Carrie, and Bill, Kim, and Rebecca


At 05:55, Blogger The Walrus said...

Merry Christmas!

At 10:56, Blogger April said...

What a funny little newsletter. If I made one for my family, it'd be like, "Well, my brother and sister still live at Mom's house and neither of them work. After 3 months of unemployment, I finally snagged a job across from my house...." :)


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