Thursday, October 27, 2005

My hating country music is not a secret; in fact, it's one of the things I do best. A couple of my friends love it, and they are always trying to get me to listen to some P.O.S. song. The fact is this: I'm never going to like it. EVER. I don't want to like it. I don't want to give it a chance. Some people may tell me that I can't say I don't like pig testicles if I've never tried them, but I'm never going to try them because that is just gross. Country music = pig testicles, except I have tried country music. So I guess country music = cow intestine. My hate stems from a combination of things: crap stories, tinny music, sung by twangy hicks, and none of the singers are nice to look at. They usually grow mullets for no apparent reason, and the mullets tend to be curly. They, the men and Jodi...Jodee...Jody...Joedee...Messomething, cut the sleeves off of their shirts. Ugh! I could go on for hours about what I hate about the country genre, but I think I've already written about that.

What I want to discuss tonight is my specific distaste for Toby Keith. First, the obvious: his name is Toby. Did his mama think he was going to stop aging at three? Second, he's way too "USA IS NUMBER ONE!" for me. Yeah, I love this country, but this isn't a football game. I HATE^n any song he sings. I don't care if it is about sittin' on Jesus' lap listening to sweet words of love and peace. I hate it....ever since that puffed-up song stating that we should stick a boot up someone's ass blah, blah, blah. Again...this isn't a monster truck rally or a night at the saloon. I could never take anything he sings/does seriously. And for the longest time now, he's appeared in a certain Ford truck commercial. THE MOST ANNOYING COMMERCIAL EVER. He sings, "I'm a Ford truck man; that's all I drive." Now, "man" and "drive" do not rhyme; they never have, and they never will. They just don't have vowel sounds that are anything alike. However, he tries to MAKE THEM RHYME in the commercial. He contorts "drive" so hideously that it's almost unrecognizable. Has anyone else seen this thing? It makes me a little bit crazy every time it comes on. I hate it. Toby Keith, SHUT UP!

And for the record, I consider blue grass far more artistic and creative than country, hence, I will listen to it on occasion...when it comes on Austin City Limits or Soundstage. But as for me and my house, CMT is banned.

14 Comments:

At 00:37, Blogger metamorphose said...

Come on! That Ford commercial is the best!

Your hatred for country music makes me idolize you even more. Although I'll always have a special place in my heart for Dolly, working from 9 to 5.

 
At 00:54, Anonymous Swan said...

First, I love you.

Second, there is no horror worse than that of Toby Keith. If you have ever had the displeasure of listening to Metallica for any length of time, you will soon notice a strange distortion of syllables in terminal words -- Keith's maltreatment of "drive" originates from this. Woe to all Hetfieldisms. Yeah-ah-UH!

 
At 06:31, Blogger Kiki said...

I should also say that I love Patsy Cline and some Dolly. Dolly is the twangiest of all time, but it goes back to my childhood...she was always there.

 
At 11:10, Blogger kristenlibrarian said...

Country music makes me want to barf repeatedly onto my own shoes.

Oh, swan. how you make me laugh.

Yes, Carrie. I do like Patsy Cline and other old school country stars, but none of these new comers.

 
At 14:10, Blogger redlaw said...

Into your own shoes!!! Bwah ha ha ha.

I HATE country...not just a little but a lot.

 
At 15:18, Blogger April said...

I also hate Toby Keith more than anything. Even more than my old college archnemesis--Dumbshit Hockeyface.
I'm so sick of everyone acting like the U.S. can do/say whatever it wants without repercussions. And anyone who says differently (the Dixie Chicks, for example) gets booed and treated like they're committing treason. Well, Toby Keith, I will boycott any product you endorse, any song you attempt to sing, and terminate any children you produce. Well, I'll let them live unless they, too, become country singers.

 
At 01:23, Blogger metamorphose said...

Oh Dumbshit Hockeyface, how we hate thee.

If Vh1 is your poor man's MTV, then CMT can only be your white trash, missing some teeth Vh1. Well, er...I don't know what I'm saying. But really, we all know that modern day country "stars" only turned to country because the "good" music people told them they were crap.

Although, I'm remembering now...my very first concert was Garth Brooks. I was 10. And really, I loved every minute of it...especially the part where my dad wore HUGE air-traffic controller headphones the entire time. Yeah...Garth tore off his flannel shirt to reveal a Karl Malone jersey underneath...and then he swung out on a rope.

 
At 19:42, Anonymous Swan said...

". . . especially the part where my dad wore huge air-traffic controller headphones the entire time. Yeah, Garth tore off his flannel shirt to reveal a Karl Malone jersey underneath -- and then he swung out on a rope."

Is this standard for country music concerts? I thought it very strange until I reflected upon some of my concert experiences; even so, it still sounds positively bizzare.

 
At 23:55, Blogger metamorphose said...

What -my dad wearing the huge ear phones/plugs or Garth Brooks playing Tarzan?

Being that this was my first and last country music concert, I couldn't tell you if it was the standard or not.

But I did wear cowboy boots.

 
At 04:27, Blogger Strude said...

A-Freaking-Men! I hate those commercials and I pretty much hate everything that Toby Keith touches.

 
At 17:44, Blogger April said...

I used to listen to country a long time ago, but it wasn't the only music I liked. And I never once wore cowboy boots, although I did try my grandpa's cowboy hat on once. But I just can't even stand to listen to country anymore, unless it's the exact songs that I used to know. But I still hate Toby Keith.

 
At 20:33, Anonymous Ty said...

I have been fortunate in being saved from listening to country while in this lovely little archipelago. I don't even know who you're talking about (well, I know his name, but I have no reference, none! How lucky am I?)

However, living in Japan has introduced me to a music form almost as repugnant as country. That form? J-Pop. Like country has its handful of guilty pleasures (if you can have Dolly and Patsy, I will take Ketsumeishi), J-Pop has one band that I can listen to without stuffing pencils in my ears and threatening myself with deafness.

I say we put the two head to head. The great thing is if you were to get a country fanatic and a Japanese culture otaku, they'd probably kill themselves being forced to listen to the other's preferred music.

Being a fan of neither, I can't offer myself up for judging. Who will step up?

 
At 23:19, Anonymous Audrey said...

Amen!!! And why do people look at you like you're anti-God and anti-American when you express a distaste for country music? Please, someone point me to the place where Jesus told us to stick our boots up the asses of the rest of the world. Ugh.

 
At 05:18, Blogger ken said...

hey girl. blog hopping. cool thoughts. one thing i LOVE about cmt is the music specials. southern rock, about the allman brothers was hot ass. some rock has country feel to it, lucinda williams, one of my faves. music is a passion unlike any other...yeah u2 live..awesome...i lvoe live music..go to memphis in may....saw widespread panic a few weeks ago in jackson. seems most "music" listened to is crap...radio kills great songs. and too many thugs pretending to play music..rambling thoughts of a southern passionate man. ciao...loved the ver-sales quip....stuck up idiots all around..just pleeassseeee keep them off the roads....

 

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