Wednesday, April 13, 2005

When I was in high school, I had my 3 best friends, and we were all glued to each other at the hip. We never did anything without each other. We are Tara, Amy, Jeremy, and yours truly. Some would say that we included Rebecca, Catherine, and a few others, but when it was just the four true members of "we", we just talked about how all of those others annoyed the living hell out of us. So they shan't be part of my story.

Of the four of us, Jeremy had an intelligence that was second nature to him. He never did homework, he never studied, he never read the books we were supposed to read...I don't think he ever thought about school once the bell rang at 3:15 in the afternoon. I know this because NONE of us did those things, and while our grades lingered in the B range, he got A's on every single test, paper, quiz, etc. He wanted to be a pharmacist, and we all knew that he'd do really well with that.

Let me describe Jeremy's physical appearance in high school. He was tall and not extremely lanky (but lanky, nonetheless), he had long, straight black hair that hit his chin (it was gorgeous), and he had the nastiest facial hair that grew in patches. We always tried to talk him into shaving it off, but he insisted on keeping his spots of facial hair.

After we graduated, Jeremy and I spent a lot of time in his pool. Then I went out to school and he got himself a girlfriend. Tara, Amy, and I DID. NOT. LIKE. HER! She was not pretty, and I'm not saying that because she wasn't one of us. She was dumb...she was not very bright. She had awful snaggleteeth. How she didn't tear his face to shreds every time they got close, I'll never know. With her came a pot-smoking habit, which resulted in his father taking away his brand new Mustang and ultimately dropping out of college. So he got a job at the favorite pizza place.

My mom was shopping in her not-usual grocery store last weekend, and she ran into Jeremy, whom I have not seen in almost 7 years. He eventually married that girl with the bad teeth, but he's working on wife number 2 now. He told my mom that this week he was moving over to be the manager of another pizza place in town. My mom told me that the only thing that has changed about him is that he has a beergut.

I was on my way to campus tonight to go study, and I was passing by the pizza place. I was curious, so I pulled in, and there he was standing behind the counter, gabbing with some other employees. He looks EXACTLY THE SAME except he's got a basketball where his tummy should be.

I called up Tara to tell her what I was witnessing, and minutes later I was pulling into her driveway. I coaxed her out in her pjs so we could go do a drive-by. He wasn't standing anywhere visible when we got there, so I pulled into the parking lot and parked in such a way that I could watch the goings-on through my rearview mirror. I felt like such a spy! All I needed was a meatball sub, some coffee, and a walkie-talkie to make the picture complete. Tara was getting into the spying, too. She was turned around in the seat with her face hiding behind the headrest. At one point she looked over at me and laughed, "How old are we?" He FINALLY came out of hiding so she could catch a glimpse of him. Our poor, poor Jeremy and the fetus he's carrying inside of him... He works at the pizza place, is going on his second wife, is a college drop-out, and has a beerbelly.

Kids, let this be a lesson to you: Pass on grass.


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