Tuesday, April 12, 2005

For the most part, I don't like kids. I love my friends' kids, but if you aren't a kid of one of my friends, then go away before I trip you because I'm already laughing at the idea of tripping you in my head and won't it be even funnier if I really did go through with it? It will be for me. I feel the same way around kids as kids do around new people: I want to run and hide behind mommy and not say a word. Or if I'm in a room full of kids (church, for example) I start feeling really antsy, violent, and not at all in a churchy kind of mood. PLEASE LET ME FEEL REVERENT FOR AT LEAST THESE THREE HOURS OF MY WEEK!!! These moments of yelling and screaming and childishness...isn't this the reason why we HAVE a MOTHER'S ROOM at church?

But my friends' kids can do no wrong because they love me because I love them...it's a cycle, you know. I really get down on their level. I can be 1 and 2 and 5 years old. And we conspire and plot and laugh. Oh...it's so much fun. I think, "I really do like kids. I want to have a whole slew of them because this is so much fun." I'm on kiddie crack (the crack that is a natural hormone boost when playing around kids you like) when I'm having these thoughts. And like all highs, this one, too, ends at some point.

When I have hit bottom is usually the time that "Super Nanny" comes on. I get sucked into watching it because I'm usually chatting to my mom when it comes on, and she likes to watch it. So here I am. Watching the reason why there should never ever be any children on this planet. They SCREAM, and they KICK, and they SPIT! Oh my badness, the SPITTING these bratty children do! They CURSE, and they LIE, and they MANIPULATE! It is one of the most horrifying shows to watch for someone who already has kiddophobia. Last night after that show ended, I opened up the phonebook and found the doctor who will one day perform my hysterectomy.

My mom keeps telling me that I have to get married so I can have her grandchildren. That's when I have to grab her by the hand, lead her into the livingroom, sit down next to her, and switch on "Super Nanny", my contraceptive.


Post a Comment

<< Home