Monday, June 21, 2004

This entry has the word "hate" in it a lot.

I really hate living with my parents now. And when I say hate, I mean it. I HATE it. I hate it the way Osama hates Americans. I hate it the way the the Braves hate the Yankees. I hate that my mom won't get out of my room. I hate how when my door is shut, meaning that I don't want to talk to anyone and I really don't care what you have to say right now, dad, people just walk right in and start talking to me. I mean, a door is there for reasons...to shut people out, to ignore what is going on on the opposite side, to feel somewhat alone, to have some privacy, etc. I don't understand why that is such a difficult thing for them to understand. I just don't. And I hate that. I hate how I feel so violent right now, and there is nothing I can do about it because I love my parents; I just don't like them being around me all the time. I hate that I just want to shout obscenities, but that isn't going to make me feel any better. I hate it! I hate the way I feel, too! I just want to go home and throw all of my mom's stuff out of my room and break it when it hits whatever I throw it at.

I realise that the obvious solution is to move out like an adult should, and I am strongly considering that right now. But I really want to finish paying off my bills before I move out. I don't want to have to worry about these things when I will have to worry about paying rent and utilities, buying groceries, paying for gas, paying my car insurance, paying for fun and travel, etc. I want to be able to afford a nice place; I don't want to have something that is cheaper because I have these bills. I don't want to go into this with debt. I'm trying to be patient, but it's getting harder and harder everyday. Maybe it's something I will just have to suck up and deal with. It's such a catch-22, though. I can deal with them for a little longer, be debt-free, and have a nice place and start saving money while having fun, or I can move out with my debt, live in a dump, and eat top ramen while staying home all of the time and walking everywhere I go because I won't be able to afford gas unless I put it on the card. I hate all of this crap!

It's storming like crazy outside right now. That pretty much sums up the way I'm feeling. I'm at school in the library wishing I could see out of the window, but no...no. It's too bright inside, and the windows are like mirrors now. So all I see is me...loathing...hating...seething...steaming. I want to bust that window.

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