Wednesday, March 17, 2004

And where have you been, little miss Weather Geisha?! You're grounded!

Name of the day (Tuesday): Starjuanna, or StarWanna, or Starjuana. I'm not really sure how it's spelled, and apparently, the mother isn't either. I saw all three spellings in a packet of forms the mother of Star* had to fill out. Star* was going to be the name of the day anyway, but when I saw that even her mom wrote it three different ways, I knew that no other name could take it's place today. I've thought of some other possible spellings: Starwhana, Starwana, Starjuannah, Starwannah, Starouahna...I could go on all night, folks.

One of my favorite things about working at a dentist office is answering the phone when a person, not as educated as I, calls wanting to have a tooth taken out. This procedure is, of course, called an extraction, but I've heard so many other words or sounds used in place of the correct term.

The number one word used is abstraction.
Billy Joe: Yes, I was wondering if you do abstractions.
Me: Sir, I'm sorry Jackson Pollock is out of his mind for the week. May I refer you to Dr. Kandinsky for that? Mmhmm...buh-bye.

Number two is extrapolate. You know what people? Stick to what you know. No! We do not extrapolate teeth. In fact, that's not even a possible idea. Use simple words if you don't know your way around multi-syllabic words.

I got such a phone call today, and it is, by far, my favorite.
Star*: Yes ma'am. I was you cut teeth off?
Me: *silence*...*thinking, "Are you a rabbit, a boar?"*
Starjuwannaman: Ma'am?
Me: Do we cut teeth off?
Other girls in the office: *spit*...*guffaw*...*snicker*
Me: *snicker* ma'am we don't. Sorry. *snort*

Not the most polite moment of my life, but what are you gonna do in the face of such...such ignorant disregard of the English language in the United States? And to answer all of those stupid questions, the answer is, "No. No, we don't. You'll have to call to make an appointment with an oral surgeon."

Oh, and on a similar note: if you can't spell it, don't do it!